Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 719

If it weren’t for men, this planet would be overrun with giant spiders.

Look, just tell me where that lemon came from and I'll shut up and go away.

I can tell you, from experience, that whoever said "Children and fools cannot lie" was one or the other himself. There`s only one way to guarantee that your children are telling the truth: limit your questions to the names of their schools.

Is it a bad sign when someone asks you about the person your dating and a tear falls from your eye as you leap into oncoming traffic?

It's no coincidence that the worst published writer in the world today is also one of the world's most successful writers... Dan Brown. Now Dan Brown is not a good writer, The Da Vinci Code is not literature. Dan Brown writes sentences like "The famous man looked at the red cup." ...and it's only to be hoped that Dan Brown never gets a job where he's required to break bad news. "Doctor is he going to be alright?" "The seventy five year old man died a painful death on the large green table... it was sad".

See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil. Rohypnol(TM).

I don't like the saying keep your friends close and enemies closer. I want my enemy on a different planet.

The padded outfits, the bad scripts, the phony-looking sets... he dealt with it all. He had to. He was Superman.

For a degenerate like me, Vegas is like a walk down memory lane. Last time I went to Vegas, I went to my old coke dealer’s kid’s bar mitzvah.

I'm going back out on the road. I love it, but I do need the money. It's a very safe high for me.

My career's going pretty good. I just finished a screenplay. It's a cop buddy picture - two cops: one cop has narcolepsy, the other one has Tourette's Syndrome. It's called 'Snoozy and Spaz.'

I was brought up Catholic. My mom brought us to mass every Sunday - short for 'massive head trauma' that you get from your mother punching you in your little nine-year-old head every minute because you can't sit still for anything that's boring.

"Strap On" spelled backwards is "No Parts." Just sayin'.

I think boxers are the greatest athletes in all sports for the simple fact that they don't cry. That is mind-blowing. Have you ever been punched in the nose? Oh my gosh, it hurts so bad. They have to go back to corner, where some little man yells at them. 'Shut up, I just got punched in the face!'... If I was a boxer, do you know who I would hire as my corner man? My mom.

You know how it is when you decide to lie and say the check is in the mail, and then you remember it really is? I'm like that all the time.