Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 719
I feel like I have a hangover, without all the happy memories and mystery bruises.
Real loss is only possible when you love something more than you love yourself.
My daughters been picked up so many times she's starting to grow handles.
Sleeping Beauty, who said to Prince Charming, "Are you sure all we did was kiss?" Never got a dinner!
Raising children is an incredibly hard and risky business in which no cumulative wisdom is gained: each generation repeats the mistakes the previous one made.
The candidates at the Republican debate looked like a town council that was outlawing dancing. They looked like a board of directors that was lying about poisoning a river... I tried to TiVo the debate and my TiVo fell asleep.
I can tell you, from experience, that whoever said "Children and fools cannot lie" was one or the other himself. There`s only one way to guarantee that your children are telling the truth: limit your questions to the names of their schools.
God has a sense of humor. If you don't believe me, tomorrow go to wal-mart and just look at people.
We need the children of Indonesia and the Philippines to manufacture our freedom of choice.
Anybody who likes writing a book is an idiot. Because it's impossible, it's like having a homework assignment every stinking day until it's done. And by the time you get it in, it's done and you're sitting there reading it, and you realize the 12,000 things you didn't do. I mean, writing isn't fun. It's never been fun. It's momentum, and once you get the momentum going, that's great, but it's a brutal experience in many, many ways. And when you're done, people tell you "Well, gee, I'm not interested." "Great, I'm glad I sat down and wrote this!"
There is almost no marital problem that can't be helped enormously by taking off your clothes.
Why would somebody worship the devil?... Has the devil paid off for anybody ever? What was the last award show you saw where somebody won and they came out and they’re like, “Thank you so much. This is amazing. I got a lot of people to thank. Well, I gotta start out by thanking the man downstairs.”