Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 719

I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.

Attila the Hun, who said, "Sure, I pillage; it’s a living." Never got a dinner!

You might be a redneck if your underwear doubles as your bathing suit.

You know how you look up at your dad when you’re a little kid like he’s got some special Dad knowledge. And then you find out all he really knows is how to have sex with your mom.

They should also use focus groups only if you’re researching how a cookie tastes.

Poverty is not a disgrace, but it's terribly inconvenient.

Three wishes - no substitutes, exchanges or refunds.

Tsunami, salami, bologna; get your stupid ass out of my face.

Joan Rivers telling Lauren Bacall her dress is all wrong is like Carrot Top telling Lenny Bruce he needs to get an edge.

I'm almost 46. You become no longer even regarded in a sexual way. As you get older you're just taken out of that realm. So it's not anything that particularly confronts me very much at all.

Bird flu! What's that? How do you know a bird's got flu! Some chinese bloke spots one of his chicken with its claws in a bowl of hot water and a towel over its head! Bwrr-rr-rrr-rrr-rrr-rrr-rr!

A woman in Buffalo set a new world record for eating 183 buffalo wings. I don’t think there will be a second date.

Sleeping Beauty, who said to Prince Charming, "Are you sure all we did was kiss?" Never got a dinner!

I had a long sleep, fuck it I deserve a nap.

I did a club one night - the speakers were old as hell. My jokes were coming out in black and white.