Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 729
Life is short. If you doubt me, ask a butterfly. Their average life span is a mere five to fourteen days.
Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, "Be fruitful and multiply", but not in those words.
Clint Eastwood doesn't moisturize! But Clint Eastwood needs to moisturize!
My name is "A Pimp named? Slickback" Wait.......A Pimp ??? .....Named Slickback. Yes, please say the whole thing if you would. Yes, that includs the "A Pimp Named" part. Yes Tom, everytime.
(On actress Emma Watson.) She didn’t want to be my friend at school. She’ll probably be in a queue of people who are after me. We found some socks with her name tag in so we whacked them on eBay. We thought, ‘She’s doing well for herself, let’s make some money.’ I can’t recall what we got for the socks but it wasn’t over a fiver.
(On Robert Pattinson.) Our parents know each other a bit and my hair is just as good as his.
You know who I pray to? Joe Pesci. Two reasons: First of all, I think he's a good actor, okay? To me, that counts. Second, he looks like a guy who can get things done. Joe Pesci doesn't fuck around. In fact, Joe Pesci came through on a couple of things that God was having trouble with.
We put stereotypes on ourselves. Everybody does that. But I think it's just a little harder for black kids to just be who they are.
When God gives you AIDS - and God does give you AIDS, by the way - make lemonAIDS.
Some wives have model husbands, I got one that needed remodeling.
The only thing harder than leaving show business is coming back.