Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 730

I really think I'm at the top of my game right now, and I have the tools that I've learned over the years, so I feel really good about what I'm doing onstage now.

I have a dream! Because I have lived a nightmare.

Ice T you fuckin’ fossil. You’re so old, the first thing you bought with your record deal money was your freedom. On your first album, the ‘n-word’ was ‘negro’

I get more ass than a giant donkey stable.

I really enjoyed doing the book, but you don't get any reinforcement. You just sit in a room being yourself for a long time, and it's hard to get comfortable with that. The idea of getting back in there in a room with a bunch of funny people and just cranking out jokes is just really appealing to me.

I went to a massage parlor. It was self service.

I like to reminisce with people I don't know.

I see that no one, yet, is filming this on their cell phones. I appreciate that because that has become the new scourge of stand-up: people sitting there saying, 'I want to enjoy this, but now is not good for me. Later would be better -- later and smaller.'

I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.

The snake is 20 inches long and black so if we need someone to find it, call the Kardashians.

There were two Irishmen eating sandwiches in a pub and the landlord said: "You can't eat your own food in here." So they swapped sandwiches.

They say, if you want to know what a girl is going to look like, look at her mother, ya know. So I am so glad that I broke up with her, cuz uh, she would been uh, you know... dead.

If your kid needs a role model and you ain't it, you're both fucked.

I'm very open to the up-and-comers.

I've been told to speed up my delivery when I perform. But if I lose the stammer, I'm just another slightly amusing accountant.