Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 730

My comedy is not mine. It's a gift. I'm not that smart.

It's easy to sit on a mountaintop and tell people what to do and how to be happy. I have chosen to do that. Not because it's easy, but for a different reason, which I would reveal, if your mind was ready to handle it, which it isn't, which is also very convenient for me.

Until as women we all say, "No! We are not going to starve ourselves", nothing is going to change. We're our own worse enemies sometimes but I still blame men.

Raising children is an incredibly hard and risky business in which no cumulative wisdom is gained: each generation repeats the mistakes the previous one made.

Some of them relate to farts but they are not fart jokes. They would just be a fart in the joke but it’s about something else…

Nobody's really happy. We used to be, before the psychologists made everything a syndrome. Or a dis-order. Before then, you weren't obsessive compulsive. You were, clean. You weren't schizophrenic, you were just damned good at impressions. There was no attention deficit disorder. I need a new chair. Are those drapes or a blind. My butt itches. Do we have a TV?

I got my first laugh when my mother entered me in a baby contest.

I work hard. The staff and crew see how much energy I put into this project, and it makes them step up.

What's it going to take to get these people who refuse to believe that global warming exists to get in touch with reality? Where do they think exhaust goes - Bunnyland?

Television is the triumph of machine over people.

I don’t know if I’m the right person to be doing jokes about religion; in the past few months, I’ve become religious, I’ve started to believe in god, creationism and intelligent design, and the reason that I now believe in god and creationism and intelligent design is because of Professor Richard Dawkins. Because when I look at something as complex and intricate and beautiful as Professor Richard Dawkins, I don’t think that just could’ve evolved by chance! Professor Richard Dawkins was put there by god to test us, like fossils. And facts.

They came out very prepared and we missed lot of tackles. We have to start on Monday and watch the film. I kept asking what was happening. They just out-competed us.

So that this thing that aired in 1963 would result a few years later in personal bankruptcy, would result in having people be on edge with me, wondering when I'm going to blow up.

You might be a redneck if you think a chain saw is a musical instrument.

My kind of gay is like the late-breaking-lesbian kind of gay.