Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 730

Incredible to think isn’t it, that every single Scotsman, started off as a scotch egg. Old and gingery.

They make these outrageous comedies and just use these kids as props. They're not beings who are transforming.

I've always had real trouble knowing what my actual desires and goals are. I've just been dragged along by fate.

The more business gets involved, the less fun it is.

I don't understand the sizes anymore. There's a size zero, which I didn't even know that they had. It must stand for: 'Ohhh my God, you're thin.'

Real loss is only possible when you love something more than you love yourself.

Imagine if birds were tickled by feathers.

Usually, if I think something is really funny, I'm not gonna test it. I'll just test it when I'm onstage.

I miss having a pet. We’re not allowing to have dogs in my building. We’re allowed to have cats. My friend’s like, “Why don’t you get a cat?” I’m like, “Why don’t I just start kissing dudes too?”

Feminism is doomed to failure because it is based on an attempt to repeal and restructure human nature.

I started riding the whole 'fluffy' train, and it's a cute word and socially a lot more acceptable than someone saying is fat or obese. If you call a girl 'fat,' yo, she'll raise hell, but if you say, 'Aw girl, look at you, you're fluffy,' there's almost a sexy appeal to it.

I'd like to get some new clothes, but I can't find a Big and Short store.

I had anxiety for so long. I went to a psychiatrist… “I’m constantly anxious. What do I do?” He told me I had obsessive compulsive disorder. I was shocked. I had to call him, like, nine time to make sure he was certain.

Why do we always have the wrong number? You might have the wrong fucking house!

I never stole a joke in my life. I just find them before they're lost.