Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 732

The Christians gave Him Sunday, the Jews gave Him Saturday, and the Muslims gave Him Friday. God has a three-day weekend.

I am always joking and always clowning, giving and helping.

Nothing is happening and that is a very cool sign.

Low self-esteem sex is bad. Here’s the deal: when I have an orgasm I shriek, “I’m sorry!”

I'm looking for Miss Right, or at least, Miss Right Now.

I hate when people refer to themselves as Mommy. Your daughter knows who the fuck you are!

Who ever invented ALCOHOL should be shot immediately, Hangovers are the worst... I swear it feels like a fat baby is kicking me in the head.

I can play recorder to grade level seven. Do you realize how little sexy time you get from playing Frere Jacques? Very little.

They make these outrageous comedies and just use these kids as props. They're not beings who are transforming.

Perhaps I'm being too optimistic, but I think this country is finally ready for a black serial killer.

You might be a redneck if you’ve been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

You don't have to believe everything you think.

I'm constantly tap dancing and wearing bright clothing and talking really loud and smiling all the time. As soon as they can't see me I take off whatever I was wearing, step into my tap shoes, run back stage and turn the music on.

Valentines Day is the day we celebrate real love. A love so strong that two hearts become one. And when she's happy, you're happy. And when she's angry, you can still choose to be happy, 'cos, what's her deal ? You know, I'm happy. Why is she bringing me down, you know ? Oh great, now look, I'm getting all mad. I hope she's happy. Happy Valentines Day.

I get a little heated when I talk about the past. But I wanted to be clear - I'm not mad at anybody - not anymore.