Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 732

I love Mexico because it’s a giant dollar store. That economy though - I don’t understand that. When your money gets so valueless at what point do you just sit down and go, “You know what? we got to go back to trading chickens again. This is just not working.”

Whether it means having a show, or a movie, or just being on a stage, I need an avenue to say what I have to say.

Sometimes it looks like I’m dancing, but it’s just that I walked into a spider web.

No, I don't think you're paranoid. I think you're the opposite of paranoid. I think you walk around with the insane delusion that people like you.

If Fang had a brain operations, it would be minor surgery.

The fact that women make seventy-five cents to every man's dollar won't bother us as long as you touch our clit.

Give me 200 active 2-year-olds and I could conquer the world.

We're certainly going to fight for a reasonable amount of money.

He's so fat, he can be his own running mate.

We have two kinds of air: regular and chunky style.

I have an ego like anybody else, but I don't need to be stoked by going before the public all the time.

Went to the grocery store, got everything on my list and went up to the checkout. I put a bag of pet food for our rabbit on the conveyor. The girl looked at me and said, "Do you have a rabbit?" I looked at here and said deadpan, "Nope. Just like 'em 'cause they're crunchy. Here's your sign."

Today’s topic: premenstrual syndrome, the bastards that inflict upon women, earthquakes and stuff that falls down!

I want to resume the life of a shy person.

It's not the child's responsibility to teach the parent who they are. It's the parent's responsibility to learn who the child is.