Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 732

Do whatever you want, whenever you want to do it and, as long as you look confident, no one will give you any shit. Put that on the back of a locket, then swallow it.

We're certainly going to fight for a reasonable amount of money.

There are no innocent fucking victims. If you live on this planet you're guilty - period - Fuck you - End of report - Next case.

I shot me a nice deer, and I hung it on the den wall in my house. My neighbor comes over and he says, "Did you shoot that thing?" I said, "Nope. He ran through the wall and got stuck. Here's your sign."

I'm going back out on the road. I love it, but I do need the money. It's a very safe high for me.

College was a wonderful time - except, of course, when it was trying to teach you things.

I love Jesus. I just don’t like the Christians who don’t believe in what he says.

We bought a piece of stereo equipment, you know inside the box they put that little package of drying agent. And on this in big bold letters, what does it say? ‘Do not eat this’. You ever bought a piece of stereo equipment thinkin’ there might be somethin’ to eat in there?

The home videos aren't as good, but they are seeming to get better.

Banks have this new image of being your friend. If they’re so friendly, how come they chain down the pens?

I'm sitting down, and then these two ladies are pissed at me because I'm not crying. And then they go, "Excuse me, sir, why aren't you crying, sir?" I'm like, "'Cause I read the book, bitch. Keep bothering me, and I'll ruin the ending".

I never wanted to be famous.

I think I am, therefore, I am. I think.

I really enjoyed doing the book, but you don't get any reinforcement. You just sit in a room being yourself for a long time, and it's hard to get comfortable with that. The idea of getting back in there in a room with a bunch of funny people and just cranking out jokes is just really appealing to me.

You're probably aware that Britain stopped evolving gastronomically around the year 1242.