Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 731

You might be a redneck if you go to the family reunion to meet women.

I'm constantly tap dancing and wearing bright clothing and talking really loud and smiling all the time. As soon as they can't see me I take off whatever I was wearing, step into my tap shoes, run back stage and turn the music on.

When Jack Benny has a party, you not only bring your own scotch, you bring your own rocks.

I miss having a pet. We’re not allowing to have dogs in my building. We’re allowed to have cats. My friend’s like, “Why don’t you get a cat?” I’m like, “Why don’t I just start kissing dudes too?”

A lot of people say to me, 'Why did you kill Christ?' I dunno, it was one of those parties, got out of hand, you know.

You ever get a postcard, you get so excited you don't even read it! "Hey I got a - who cares."

If a cunt falls in the forrest, but lacks the self awareness to really see it, did it fall in the first place?

As we're staggering out of the hospital, I don't remember doing this because I was still high, but apparently I turned to the entire operating room staff and screamed "hey! I'd better not see this on YouTube!"

I believe the ability to think is blessed. If you can think about a situation, you can deal with it. The big struggle is to keep your head clear enough to think.

All I know about humor is that I don't know anything about it.

Be offended by everything or be offended by nothing.

Some authority on parenting once said, "Hold them very close and then let them go." This is the hardest truth for a father to learn: that his children are continuously growing up and moving away from him (until, of course, they move back in).

I went to a restaurant, and I saw a guy wearing a leather jacket, eating a hamburger, drinking a glass of milk. I said, "Dude, you are a cow. The metamorphosis is complete. Don't fall asleep or I will tip you over!"

If it weren’t for men, this planet would be overrun with giant spiders.

When I black out, it's the happiest time of my life.