Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 744
White people, you did not get a receipt for niggas, you can not return us!
George Lopez has to get a physical comedy checkup every year to make sure his bulging eyes don’t get out of control... Good news George... you are humor free! There’s no sign of comedy anywhere in your blood stream.
Once you're married, kiss all your dreams good-bye and "make the bitch happy." Good relationship is simply eating and fucking.
I don't understand the sizes anymore. There's a size zero, which I didn't even know that they had. It must stand for: 'Ohhh my God, you're thin.'
At some point, the pride has to be a part of the whole day-to-day oeuvre. It's part of who you are and doesn't need to be discussed anymore.
I felt like high school for me was like a big whirlpool of me trying to figure out what was OK for me to do.
Women don't want to hear what you think. Women want to hear what they think - in a deeper voice.
So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report a nuisance caller", he said "Not you again".
You ever get a postcard, you get so excited you don't even read it! "Hey I got a - who cares."
When you're doing stand-up, you achieve an intimacy with the audience you can't get on TV. There's not a better feeling in the entire world then when you look out and see the audience is identifying with you.
There hasn’t been a more effeminate Jew in the closet since Anne Frank.
A new father quickly learns that his child invariably comes to the bathroom at precisely the times when he's in there, as if he needed company. The only way for this father to be certain of bathroom privacy is to shave at the gas station.
We never talked to each other in my family. We communicated by putting Ann Landers articles on the refrigerator.