Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 744

Iraqi's minister of information did not show up for his press conference today. However, he claims he was there and he said it went very well.

Every girl who has sex with me ladies is guaranteed to have an orgasm or dinner is on me.

You know what I hate the most? People that imitate owls.

I tell you what I could use, new color TV.

I'm not looking to get away from anything. I like what I've done. I like what I get to do and I enjoy working with my friends. I loved those movies, but this is incredible.

If we are all God's children, what's so special about Jesus?

My mum told me the best time to ask my dad for anything was during sex. Not the best advice I'd ever been given. I burst in through the bedroom door saying "Can I have a new bike?". He was very upset. His secretary was surprisingly nice about it. I got the bike.

Apparently my street has a leaf blower gang who tag team all day, so the sounds of the leaf blower are forever blowing from dawn to dusk.

Welcome to the 77th and last Oscars.

I want to resume the life of a shy person.

I asked my wife, "last night, were you faking it?" She said, "No, I was really sleeping."

I plan on talking to my kids about sex early. Like six. Or seven am.

It sure has been a pleasure for us to broadcast for the sailors and soldiers; besides, its part of the National Defence Program to prepare our boys for anything.

Did your mother never tell you not to drink on an empty head?

America takes credit for giving you freedom that you had anyway. It's like going to a wedding and putting your tag on somebody elses box.