Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 745

Jon Stewart is exactly the same guy he's always been, only with money. He knows that the moment he really believes he's important, the funny goes away and he becomes Bill O'Reilly, except shorter and Jewish.

When I don't know what to do, I just open my mouth. Why won't anyone date me?

To be on the safe side I use a condom when I masturbate.

Marriage is the death of hope.

Dating is horrible, it's awful. I don't get it. It's like you're standing there: 'Hi. Do you want to have sex and later wish you hadn't?' It's horrible. And it's awkward at 42 because I don't have the body or the drive. I just sit in the car and hope somebody gets in.

You can't teach somebody how to be funny. You're either funny, or you ain't.

One day in the shower, you figure it out. It's a special day in a man's life. I was like, "Oh, I found me a hobby."

I have a wonderful psychiatrist that I see maybe once a year, because I don't need it. It all comes out onstage.

My wife is on a diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn’t lost any weight, but she can sure climb a tree.

I have low self-esteem; when were in bed together, I would fantasize that I was someone else.

I don’t like when people say ‘I’ll pray for you…’. You gon’ pray for me? So basically you’re gonna sit at home and do nothing? That what your prayers are, you doin’ nothing while I struggle with a situation, so don’t pray for me. Make me a sandwich or something. Because I’m very upset right now and I can’t make my own sandwiches, so that’d be cool if you made me a sandwich instead of prayin’

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

You don’t like pets, pet people act like you’re a monster. “You don’t like pets? You’re so mean!” Really, I’m mean? I’m not the one keeping a live animal hostage in my apartment. “He loves me.” Really? Open the door.

It turns out your not dyslexic, your just really really stupid.

Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples.