Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 745

Went to the beach and I bought ceviche and a boogie board from the same person.

It's always difficult when someone close to you passes away. But it's really tough when they're on top of you.

I wasn’t really that informed about the two-year-old. Oh, I'd read about them, and occasionally I’d see documentaries on the Discovery Channel showing two-year-olds in the wild, where they belong.

I bought my daughter a Chihuahua and I fell in love with it. So now I carry Coco around with me all the time.

As long as your abuser has you scared, you will stay in the cycle of abuse. Thinking of solutions helps you to escape.

My wife said to me: "If you won the lottery, would you still love me?" I said: "Of course I would. I'd miss you, but I'd still love you."

I absolutely want to have a career where you make'em laugh and make'em cry. It's all theater.

I never get to do nothin' in this house!

What if God's a woman? Not only am I going to hell, I'll never know why!

I couldn’t get a date the entire freshman year of college. The whole year I spend… well, they call it stalking now. But I call it getting to know you.

I had a real job at fourteen years old. At seventeen, I was on my own. At twenty, I cut the liver out of a drifter and gave it to my father! 'Cause my dad's a drinker and I love my dad. And for eighty bucks, you can do anything in Mexico!

I don't like when juice wears tights, its a horrible combination when juice wears tights.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone. I’m thankful for all of you. I am not thankful for the pilgrims. Buckles should never be on hats.

Save the Trees? Trees are the main cause of Forest Fires!

It was my uncle who taught me about the birds and the bees. He sat me down one day and said, "Remember this, George, the birds fuck the bees." Then he told me he once banged a girl so hard her freckles came off.