Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 743

Avoid teams at all cost. Keep your circle small. Never join a group that has a name.

"Money is the root of all evil." Then we hear, "A fool and his money are soon parted." What are they talking about? If money is so evil, shouldn't it be, "A wise man and his money are soon parted"? And another thing, how does a fool get money in the first place? I know some fools who have a lot of money, but they won't tell me how they got it, and I won't tell them.

My eleven year old daughter mopes around the house all day waiting for her breasts to grow.

I never made 'Who's Who,' but I'm featured in 'What's That?'

I have a deep and profound mistrust of all politicians.

I think what I do in my acting world and what I do in my standup world is bring up a brand that I want to bring across. Once you figure out your brand and what you do, it's kind of easy at that. You end up getting your audience.

My wife goes "that's not a bicycle, Rembrandt!" And I go "well, it ain't a monkey wearing glasses, Helen Keller!"

California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange.

The problem with the suspenders my mother bought for him is that he hasn't adjusted the straps since he got them. So instead of attaching somewhere around his midsection, the suspenders clip onto his pants three inches below his nipples. Now picture the suspenders attached to sweatpants. This vision is what first led me to coin the term "camel balls".

Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.

Everybody's got cable.

When a guy says "I have no idea what you're talking about" it means "I'm thinking of exactly what you're saying I did while I lie to you."

Be undeniably good.

I'm a believer that when one door closes another one opens. But why does the one opening always hit me full-speed-knob-first into my nuts?

Anyone look back at their high school career and just shudder at what you got away with and didn't die?