Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 743

I already wish I could relive my future.

Who needs sleep? I laugh in the face of sleep!

You'll get my assault weapon when you pry it out of my curious six-year-old's cold dead hands.

I'm a believer that when one door closes another one opens. But why does the one opening always hit me full-speed-knob-first into my nuts?

Thousand points for everybody! Usually a thousand, but for you, nine ninety-nine! Nine ninety-nine! I'm giving the points away, only nine ninety-nine! I'm craaaazy!

I don't know what to do. I have a friend in Japan. And he actually owes me ten bucks.

I took a walk in Central Park and got all excited when I thought I saw a robin redbreast. Turned out to be a pigeon with a knife wound.

The New York Police Department says Iran has conducted surveillance inside New York City. They say Iranian operatives are using special mobile surveillance units. I believe they're called taxi cabs.

Sometimes my mind wanders; other times it leaves completely.

Hillary’s explanation of the Libyan action to Congress was so good, I wonder who explained it to her?

[to Baldrick] Unless I think of something, tomorrow we go to meet our Maker: in my case God, in your case God knows.

They're all sources of material. What I love about what I do, the more you talk about your life, there are so many people who have similar experiences.

Remember when we dug Saddam up out of that hole? He looked like a Father Christmas who had been sacked from Debenhams for being drunk at work.

What about the rumours David Cameron smoked drugs as a schoolboy? What worries me most is that he dressed up as a schoolboy to do it, the pervert.

White people, you did not get a receipt for niggas, you can not return us!