Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 743
I bought one of those anti-bullying wristbands when they first came out. I say ‘bought’, I actually stole it off a short, fat ginger kid.
They say 'life is precious'. To who? To you, when you're young and you've got a few dollars in your pocket. Tell that to the 90-year-old lying awake at the graveyard shift in the nursing home, groaning with dementia. The only reason he hasn't killed himself is that he hasn't figured out a way he can do it with pudding.
There's nothing better than a fight, especially when you're watching it from a safe place. You can yell encouragement! Hit him with the left, he's a big Jessie!
My childhood should have taught me lessons for my own fatherhood, but it didn't because parenting can only be learned by people who have no children.
At some point, the pride has to be a part of the whole day-to-day oeuvre. It's part of who you are and doesn't need to be discussed anymore.
I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.
I wanted to be a comedian, and this is what I'm doing. If I can keep this going, I'm happy.
I never understood how people could come to a yard sale and get picky. Make me feel bad about the stuff I didn’t want anyway… <br /> “Does this VCR have a remote?” <br /> “No. It doesn’t have a cord either. That’s why it’s $4. It’s a piece of crap.”<br /> “Well, I was looking for a new VCR.”<br /> “Yeah, I think they sell those in places called ‘stores.’”
Don't you see the rest of the country looks upon New York like we're left-wing, communist, Jewish, homosexual pornographers? I think of us that way sometimes and I live here.
Nostradamus, who predicted he would never get a dinner! Never got a dinner!
Don't you hate when people are late to work. And they always have the worst excuses. "Oh, I'm sorry I'm late, traffic." "Traffic, huh? How do you think I got here; helicoptered in!?"
I won't do something unless I can get at least two or three good laughs out of it. If I can't, it's not gonna make the team.
There's a lot of people who don't want anything from me but to laugh and have a good time. You see them at the show and they like - they dress up to come see your show and stuff. And they pack these auditoriums and it's a lot of fun, man. It's like, this is how I started, and it's still fun for me.
I love Mexico because it’s a giant dollar store. That economy though - I don’t understand that. When your money gets so valueless at what point do you just sit down and go, “You know what? we got to go back to trading chickens again. This is just not working.”