Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 746
Sex therapist claims that the most effective way to arouse your man is to spend 10 minutes licking his ears! Personally I think its bollocks!
The first time I got up in front of an audience was terror, abject terror, which continued for another four or five years. There still is, a little bit.
I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.
There's going to be a new cable-TV channel for dogs. Dogs don't even watch TV. But the schedule came out today. And they've got great shows, like "Barks & Recreation" and "Game of Bones."
This sausage roll only contains 2% of your daily intake of calories… if you lick it.
I've always had real trouble knowing what my actual desires and goals are. I've just been dragged along by fate.
I have to go to this mall in Beijing to buy some clothes. I didn’t know this until I got there, but apparently in China I’m Shaquille O’Neal. I go to mall. I walk into the store. I’m like, “Hey, you got a 10.5/11 in those shoes?”<br /> “Ah no! How about an 8?”<br /> “How about I can’t negotiate my foot size with you?”
During the war an Italian girl saved my life. She hid me in her basement in Cleveland.
I feel like the American people are being lied to and manipulated. President Bush is trying to force 9/11 and Saddam together.
If conservatives don't want to be seen as bitter people who cling to their guns and religion and anti-immigrant sentiments, they should stop being bitter and clinging to their guns, religion and anti-immigrant sentiments.
Usually, if I think something is really funny, I'm not gonna test it. I'll just test it when I'm onstage.
When the media ask George Bush a question, he answers, "Can I use a lifeline?"
The Holocaust would never have happened if black people lived in Germany in the 1930s and 40s … well, it wouldn't have happened to Jews.
If I thought about it, I could be bitter, but I don't feel like being bitter. Being bitter makes you immobile, and there's too much that I still want to do.