Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 746

I used to be a narrator for bad mimes.

At some point, the pride has to be a part of the whole day-to-day oeuvre. It's part of who you are and doesn't need to be discussed anymore.

I think everyone should own six guns, even though I don't own any.

I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.

To all my fans who’s saying Donald Glover about to blow, just give me six months so you can say I told you so.

The heart is a very, very resilient little muscle. It really is.

Fall in love with what you do for a living. I don't care what it is. It works.

I’d vote for myself because I couldn’t possibly suck as bad as our other options.

There's a lot of people who don't want anything from me but to laugh and have a good time. You see them at the show and they like - they dress up to come see your show and stuff. And they pack these auditoriums and it's a lot of fun, man. It's like, this is how I started, and it's still fun for me.

I love Mexico because it’s a giant dollar store. That economy though - I don’t understand that. When your money gets so valueless at what point do you just sit down and go, “You know what? we got to go back to trading chickens again. This is just not working.”

“Hey, you couldn’t write stuff like that could ya!! Of course you could…I did”.

I already wish I could relive my future.

He was born on April 2. A day late.

Showing off seemed to me to be a highly valuable and necessary activity when I was 20.

What's it going to take to get these people who refuse to believe that global warming exists to get in touch with reality? Where do they think exhaust goes - Bunnyland?