Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 746

How do people shit on themselves when they are sleeping? That's some nasty shit....like what kinda sick dream were you having that caused that.

Oopsy diddly. Pardon me madams, did I get me rah rah juice on your peepers?

(On Robert Pattinson.) Our parents know each other a bit and my hair is just as good as his.

My eleven year old daughter mopes around the house all day waiting for her breasts to grow.

I mean, in my - and I'm not trying to do spilled milk, but in those days it was a little - I think it was much tougher, because you got an image, and you were in a saloon. And it was tough to come out of a saloon and to get in films, and to maintain an image, you know.

I like the energy of live performance.

We put stereotypes on ourselves. Everybody does that. But I think it's just a little harder for black kids to just be who they are.

If I were Achilles I would put my foot in a fuck off block of concrete!

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

A cat will blink when struck with a hammer.

I like to think of myself as the middleman between Fred Allen and Henny Youngman.

You know, they don't give these shows to chimps!

Ladies and Gentleman let's play America's fastest growing sensation "Will It Float?"

I'm a believer that when one door closes another one opens. But why does the one opening always hit me full-speed-knob-first into my nuts?

Well I have a drug history and a public drinking problem and I am not the healthiest guy. So they just ran that I died of a drug overdose.