Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 760
Nostradamus, who predicted that Billy Bailey would not come home. Never got a dinner!
When the media ask George Bush a question, he answers, "Can I use a lifeline?"
The way the people around you position themselves around you to get in your pockets and in your mind is infuriating to me.
Well, anybody can be a straight man if he hears well. You just have to wait for laughs. A straight man just repeats the questions and the comedian gets the laughs and you just wait for them and don't let them die completely at the tail end of the laugh.
When you're on stage performing stand-up, things only happen one time. I've done bits where I improv a joke, and people are dying. The next show, I try to repeat it, I can't do it. Because with the first audience that was our moment. It can't happen the same way again. We were all there: a certain type of people were at that show and we all got it.
I'm staying in a strange hotel. I called room service for a sandwich and they sent up two hookers.
I was looking at my coffin choices, I was thinking about getting the player's special, the one with the diamo.
New parents always sound like hucksters in a pyramid scheme. Anyone who has kids and then gets you to go and have kids gets a check from Huckster Headquarters.
I remember the last thing my nan said to me before she died. ‘What are you doing here with that hammer?’
The last time a straight man worked in the fashion industry, we got a fanny pack.
I love traveling. It not only opens my mind up, but it also allows me to use my fame in another way through humanitarian works and stuff, and being an influence around the world.
You ever fall asleep performing oral sex? What’s so funny? I’ve done it. It’s not that bad. Waking up is horrible. “Where am I? What is this? Do you have any relish?”