Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 760

Valentines Day is the day we celebrate real love. A love so strong that two hearts become one. And when she's happy, you're happy. And when she's angry, you can still choose to be happy, 'cos, what's her deal ? You know, I'm happy. Why is she bringing me down, you know ? Oh great, now look, I'm getting all mad. I hope she's happy. Happy Valentines Day.

People are always asking me when I'm going to retire. Why should I? I've got it two ways - I'm still making movies, and I'm a senior citizen, so I can see myself at half price.

Just don't take any class where you have to read BEOWULF.

Dean Martin’s pancreas, who overheard his liver singing "I got a right to sing the blues." Never got a dinner!

I wanted to be a comedian, and this is what I'm doing. If I can keep this going, I'm happy.

To avoid conflict, agree with everything your signicant other says, no matter how moronic, until eventually you feel guilt-free breaking up.

A little man is running a jewelry store. A man runs in saying, "Okay, take my watch, put on a new band, install a new battery, clean the case, install a new crystal, and tune it up. I will be back in a half hour for it. Thanks!" and runs out the door. The little jeweler says, "C-C-C-Come in?"

“A market researcher said ‘can I ask you 10 questions’, I said ‘go on’, she said ‘question number 1 have you ever had a blackout?’ I said ‘no’, she went…’and finally, question number 10.’”

It goes Christmas,New Year’s Eve and Valentine’s Day. Is that fair to anyone who’s alone? Those are all days you got to be with someone. And if you didn’t get around to killing yourself at Christmas or New Year’s - boom - there’s Valentine’s Day for you. I think there should be just one more holiday after Valentine’s Day for the stragglers. And it should be called, “Who Could Love You?”

I just liked stand-up comedy so much. I used to memorize Bill Cosby albums and other people's albums, George Carlin, Flip Wilson.

Everytime I go to Vegas, I seem to incur some kind of fine.

I don't blame my parents for my dysfunctions... I blame their parents.

Our dog just wanders around the house with a concerned look on his face. Dogs are just people who can't find their phone.

Be undeniably good.

According to the Rand McNally Places-Rated Almanac, the best place to live in America is the city of Pittsburgh. The city of New York came in twenty-fifth. Here in New York we really don't care too much. Because we know that we could beat up their city anytime.