Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 761

Catholic - which I was until I reached the age of reason.

You might be a redneck if your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.

You know, a TV show is a slow build.

For a long time the people at my shows were sort of the Pantera-tattoo trucker guys, really cool dudes, but I don't know what happened to them. That's the crowd that I like, the ones that don't get so offended just to be offended.

If it weren't for the fact that the TV set and the refrigerator are so far apart, some of us wouldn't get any exercise at all.

In any relationship there are certain doors that should never be opened. The bathroom door, for example.

Ice T you fuckin’ fossil. You’re so old, the first thing you bought with your record deal money was your freedom. On your first album, the ‘n-word’ was ‘negro’

Well, trouble's my middle name. Actually, my middle name is Marion, but I don't want you spreading that around.

On his teenage son: To be honest, I’m not sure the same kid comes home each night.

If you open up the hood and start talking about, 'That's got a dual-head-cammy,' you might as well say, 'Banana, banana, banana.' I don't know what the fuck you're talking about.

I’ve lived in Manchester since my 20s and I’ve only been in three fights –not a bad average.

You were never there for me were you mother? You expected Mike and Carol Brady to raise me! I'm the bastard son of Claire Huxtable! I am a Lost Cunningham! I learned the facts of life from watching The Facts of Life! Oh God!

I don't need a baby growing inside me for nine months. If I'm going to feel nauseous and achy when I wake up, I want to achieve that state the old-fashioned way: getting good and drunk the night before.

People tend to call me names that I can't repeat on basic cable. I will give you a hint. They rhyme with "itch," "hunt," & "bore."

I like to crack the jokes now and again, but it's only because I struggle with math.