Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 761
I was in a department store and I saw a weird-looking gadget. I asked the young saleslady what it was. She answered, “It doesn’t do anything. It’s just a Christmas gift.”
Cleavage season just about over. I'm gonna miss it. 'Cause cleavage, when it first pops out, like late February/early March, it's almost like Groundhog Day. It's like, 'Ah, it's gonna be an early spring.'
Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a purpose.
I told my doctor I broke my arm in two places. He told me to keep out of those places.
Before the invention of the telephone, you had to lie to people to their face!
Nothing like a little post-traumatic stress disorder to make your day complete.
Well, let me welcome myself to Texas. Where a man comes home and hangs his hat on his lap.
You were never there for me were you mother? You expected Mike and Carol Brady to raise me! I'm the bastard son of Claire Huxtable! I am a Lost Cunningham! I learned the facts of life from watching The Facts of Life! Oh God!
I got involved with this pro-choice group. Their slogan is, “Raising kids is murder”.
Some people…say America is not ready for a black President. But I know America to be a forward-thinking country, otherwise why would you have let that retard and cowboy fella be President?
I got tits now, too. I just got tits! That is a fucked up day in a man's life, when you look in the mirror and you realize, "Fuck! I got..." Because you don't see them coming, they're sort of pouting out little by little, and then one day they just fuckin' fall a little and that's it, you have tits. And they're there for good. They're not gonna like go back, it's fucking over.
What about the rumours David Cameron smoked drugs as a schoolboy? What worries me most is that he dressed up as a schoolboy to do it, the pervert.
The problem with suicide is that it seems so flamboyant. It’s camp. You have to be a bit of a drama queen to ever seriously consider it.