Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 759

As a guy who grew up with Black people, I know the N-word is not specific to people. It’s a fucking noun. It is used for everything else but people. It’s not specific to black people. <br /> I see my friends. They’ll be like, “Yo Russell, I seen you with some Chinese n*ggers last night.”... <br /> My homeboy called me, was like, “Yo, you gotta put on Discovery Channel, son They got this shit on killer whales. Yo, those n*ggers are crazy!”

White people, you did not get a receipt for niggas, you can not return us!

Sex therapist claims that the most effective way to arouse your man is to spend 10 minutes licking his ears! Personally I think its bollocks!

At home now, I have cough medicine on tap.

If the owner hadn't come and seen the smoke, by time this place opened tonight it would have been rolling.

George Washington, who said to his father, "Dad, if I never tell I lie, how am I ever gonna become President?" Never got a dinner!

When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.

To be honest, I'd be the last person who should be doling out gardeinng advice. I don't have the patience for growing things. Yes, I realize there's nothing quite as satisfying as eating food that you've pulled up from the ground and that's why, at the height of the planting season, I bury cans of tomato soup in my backyard and dig them up in late spring.

There's going to be a new cable-TV channel for dogs. Dogs don't even watch TV. But the schedule came out today. And they've got great shows, like "Barks & Recreation" and "Game of Bones."

Pixar had to animate themselves jumping over a shark.

Don't forget it's daylight savings time. You spring forward, then you fall back. It's like Robert Downey Jr. getting out of bed.

A great way to be left alone on the subway is to appear to be deep in conversation with a small knife.

I'm quite lucky, because I've got a small, decorative concrete pig.

I like Jesus, I just felt sorry for his Disciples. Those guys had the roughest job in the world cause they could never call in sick. They could never go "Shhh shhh, yeah I know, I'll talk to him, it'll be alright..." [ring, ring... Jesus picks up] "[coughing...] Yeah listen Jesus. Yeah listen four or five of us went fishing last night and we forgot our sweaters. Yeah we're coming down with a cold or something. Yeah we're not going to be able to walk to Jerusalem with you today... What? What we're healed? But you're not here, ohh you don't have to be here you can say the word and we're healed? I didn't know that. Yeah every body is up. Yeah be good OK. We'll see you in about ten minutes alright. OK thank you, alright so long. Come on guy let go... we're healed."

Granted, not really a joke, but how often do you get a mic in your hand? You know? So. I am sorry but don't anybody trip on my soap box on the way out. Don't anybody trip over that. And the chip on my shoulder's a little heavy. I have back problems now.