Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 759

I'm astounded by people who want to "know" the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

It's cool to be healthy.

Dating is horrible, it's awful. I don't get it. It's like you're standing there: 'Hi. Do you want to have sex and later wish you hadn't?' It's horrible. And it's awkward at 42 because I don't have the body or the drive. I just sit in the car and hope somebody gets in.

Low self-esteem sex is bad. Here’s the deal: when I have an orgasm I shriek, “I’m sorry!”

My wife is on a diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn’t lost any weight, but she can sure climb a tree.

I want to be cremated. Then I want to you to take the ashes, I want you to put them in a douche bottle, find a hooker, and run me through one more time. On my children, I did not write that. I am repeating it.

Marriage is like a dull meal with the dessert at the beginning.

You know that kind of drunk where you're a drink away from yelling faggot or being one.

When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.

Actually, I comb my hair quite often. Of course, I use an electric toothbrush.

Put your fucking camera away, you stupid fucking tourist of life! There's a whole generation of shitheads just filming every fucking thing they do. "I'm gonna film my entire life and watch it later!"

In my family, goodness is just badness before its had something to drink.

Humor's a weapon if you want to make it one.

Nostalgia: How long's that been around?

The other day I saw a guy with a sign that said, "where will you spend eternity?". Which freaked me out because I was on my way to the Department of Motor Vehicles.