Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 764
When you're on stage performing stand-up, things only happen one time. I've done bits where I improv a joke, and people are dying. The next show, I try to repeat it, I can't do it. Because with the first audience that was our moment. It can't happen the same way again. We were all there: a certain type of people were at that show and we all got it.
An advertising agency is 85 percent confusion and 15 percent commission.
My wife's beautiful. That's why I married her. Because I want to see her every day.
You're not going to find a Pygmie on Paxal, I'll tell you that.
Her hat is a creation that will never go out of style; it will just look ridiculous year after year.
“A market researcher said ‘can I ask you 10 questions’, I said ‘go on’, she said ‘question number 1 have you ever had a blackout?’ I said ‘no’, she went…’and finally, question number 10.’”
Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.
When I was a kid and we used to play Post Office, I was the Dead Letter Office.
There's no real preparing at home for stand-up. You just go and you just do it.
When I got on Stern I realized that this was the one job where you could be really honest and open, almost like Richard Pryor or something. You can be honest about your life and get laughs.
Find something living rent free in your uterus? Evict that motherfucker!
I'll say this about the war protesters: At least most of them are only putting duct tape across their mouths so I can still tell the rest of them to blow it out their ass.
When I fart my ass makes a trumpet sound that heralds the arrival of the smell.