Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 764

The reason a person is a republican is because something is wrong with them. Again, that's science - that's neuroscience. You cannot be well adjusted, open-minded, pluralistic, enlightened and be a republican.

I lie a lot, but when I write about Gracie, I don't have to lie. The truth is unbelievable enough.

The way the people around you position themselves around you to get in your pockets and in your mind is infuriating to me.

The curtain rises on a vast primitive wasteland, not unlike certain parts of New jersey.

Vincent Van Gogh, who said to the hat salesman, "I like it, but it keeps sliding over my ear." Never got a dinner!

I think the time it takes to feel better about a break up is directly proportional to the time it takes to feel better about yourself.

I been seeing newspapers every Sunday morning, white dudes be in there in their drawers, never having no bulge in they drawers. Smiling at you. If I ain't have no bulge, I wouldn't be smiling!

Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.

Younger kids, they understand that things aren't so perfect with their father or with their mother.

My sister-in-law is so skinny that she has a striped dress with only one stripe.

I finally got around to reading the dictionary. Turns out the Zebra did it.

I'm not being condescending, I'm too busy thinking about far more important things you wouldn't understand.

Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established.

You ever see those racism public service announcements where they have an athlete speak out against racism, but they'll make it specific to their sport? Like a boxer will say, 'We gotta knock out racism.' Or a basketball player will say, 'We gotta slam dunk racism.' I want to do one of those, except as a comedian. I'll be like, 'Racism's not funny -- except in small groups of close personal friends and family. Keep it where it belongs.'

See, all this stuff is turning me into this guy I don't want to be: that grouchy old, get-off-my-yard guy. Remember that guy? He was like 'Ah get off my yard! I hate everyone. I hate kids'. It's making me this grouchy guy and I don't want to be it. But I'll give you a great example. The other day, I was in my car and I got stuck behind a school bus. Now, I don't know if you've been stuck behind a school bus before, but once you're there, you're stuck. I've passed kidney stones quicker than you can get around a school bus.