Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 764

Did I leave the gas on? No! No, I'm a fuckin' squirrel!

But at the same time that the experience is pulling you apart, it's also bonding you. You have this joint venture! You both made this baby. And that's the thing I still can't get over.

I'm always working on stuff. But they never materialize. I'm always working on movies and TV shows.

I lie a lot, but when I write about Gracie, I don't have to lie. The truth is unbelievable enough.

The driving force behind doing everything that I've been doing for 11 years as a stand-up is having problems with authority and not liking to be told what to do.

I realized this is what God has dealt me, and I should be thankful considering all that's happened to me in my life, but MS caused the movies to stop - stop dead - and I miss it.

And in the back, behind there, not giving a damn … and all the bright colours and stuff just drops off when you get to this section. White wrap-up, big red letters; LARD! Eat this shit and die! LARD! Kills you stone dead! Does blood move through your arteries? Block it up with LARD! Nutritional advice? No! Proteins? What the hell are they? Carbohydrates? Never heard of them, Guv! Fat? You bet your bum! We've got some some of that, yes sirree Bob! Oh, we're full of that, mate … Remember that campaign for butter, "Welcome back to butter"? "Welcome back to LARD!" We never went nowhere! Just been sitting at the back, quietly waiting … like Jack Nicholson …

I think the time it takes to feel better about a break up is directly proportional to the time it takes to feel better about yourself.

Doctors — they like auto mechanics. You go in get one thing seen, they want to look at other stuff. I went to a doctor for a twisted ankle, came out with diabetes. I was mad as hell.

A lot of people say to me, “Why did you kill Christ?” I dunno… it was one of those parties that got out of hand.

Found a bunch of old shower caps in my house. Was gonna throw them out but realized they make excellent porta potties for long road trips.

I try to look on the bright side, but it really hurts my eyes.

I don't do drugs. If I want a rush I just stand up when I'm not expecting it.

I don't know why my brain has kept all the words to the Gilligan's Island theme song and has deleted everything about triangles.

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.