Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 763

As long as your abuser has you scared, you will stay in the cycle of abuse. Thinking of solutions helps you to escape.

Life for me is great. I'm a very fuckin' wealthy person, I'm married to a very beautiful woman and I get laid with monotonous regularity.

Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered?

I thought it would be way more interesting to show the drunk people, the hecklers.

I'm crazy. I know I'm crazy 'cause Desmond Tutu told me, and he's very clever. He said, 'You must free yourself, be more of who you are. Be more crazy.' And I'm going to.

God is silent. Now if only man would shut up.

Hard alcohol is the only thing you put in your body that actually comes with a story. It’s like, “You want some tequila?” “No dude, that last time I had that…”<br /> Doesn’t happen with anything else. “You want some jelly beans?” “No. The last time I had jelly beans I ended up with my pants around my ankles, face down in the wall. Seriously dude, I can’t even smell the black ones. Just get ‘em out of here?”

The reason I'm a psychologist is based in part on my telephone routines. Much of my humor comes out of reaction to what other people are saying. A psychologist is a man who listens, who is sympathetic.

Have you ever felt your penis invert before? I had to sit down and pee for a month.

When I go to the dentist, he's the one that has to have the anesthetic.

Women don't want to hear what you think. Women want to hear what they think - in a deeper voice.

People are always asking me when I'm going to retire. Why should I? I've got it two ways - I'm still making movies, and I'm a senior citizen, so I can see myself at half price.

Sometimes you've got to specifically go out of your way to get into trouble. It's called fun.

I'm always working on stuff. But they never materialize. I'm always working on movies and TV shows.

The big advantage to playing the Venetian in Las Vegas - where it's a beautiful theater - is that unlike other places, even many other nice venues, I can do a set and lighting cues, I can put on a real show. I can dress up, wear a tux.