Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 763
I'm 31 now. I think I'm beginning to understand what life is, what romance is, and what a relationship means.
Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a purpose.
Who would have thought that the manufacturing of sticks would be outsourced to China?
A psychiatrist is a fellow who asks you a lot of expensive questions your wife asks for nothing.
I took my father on a coach trip last summer.We were halfway there when the driver lost control of the coach, it flew down a hill around a bend and crashed through a brick wall. I wasn’t hurt but luckily my father had the presence of mind to kick my head in.
Now there's a seven-day waiting period to buy a gun. Who can stay mad that long?
Before the invention of the telephone, you had to lie to people to their face!
My children think my mother is the most wonderful woman on the face of the Earth. And I keep telling my children, “That’s not the same woman I grew up with. You’re looking at an old person who’s trying to get into heaven now.”
You were never there for me were you mother? You expected Mike and Carol Brady to raise me! I'm the bastard son of Claire Huxtable! I am a Lost Cunningham! I learned the facts of life from watching The Facts of Life! Oh God!
Life is an ordeal, albeit an exciting one, but I wouldn't trade it for the good old days of poverty and obscurity.
Now, most of the time you couldn't be too sure of the quality of the drug. Although, in my experience the stuff was always of a very high quality, because back then we didn't have business majors peddling lower-quality stuff in an effort to increase profits.
I think for one thing, kids are a lot smarter now then we ever were.
I actually was class clown, but I don't know how that happened because I've never been considered an outwardly funny person - as the people in this room will attest.