Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 763
I did a gig in the US once for the homeless. I said "It's nice to see so many bums on seats".
I'm excited to be here. I almost didn't do this show, because I have certain requests in order to do a benefit show. And I said, "I'll do the show, but I need giant gay icicles behind me or I can't do it. I work with giant gay icicles or you can forget it." It worked out, it's cool, so they make me look cool and a little less gay than the icicles themselves.
No Faith! At least wait a few minutes until rush hour is over. You're wearing a teddy bear backpack, everyone is gonna want to hit ya.
I feel the one sensible thing you can do is try to live in a way that pleases you. If you don't hurt anybody else, what you do is your own business.
Have you ever wanted to rape a clown, so you follow him into his car, and you end up having to rape, like, forty clowns?
My dad was amazing. He raised five boys. All by himself. Without the rest of us knowing.
My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, 'Sexy Senior Citizen.' You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do you? Out entering wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder where she got that dollar she gave you for your birthday.
I have little compassion for people in trailer parks who refuse to move after getting tornado warnings. How hard is it for them to relocate? Their house have wheels.