Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 765
Well, trouble's my middle name. Actually, my middle name is Marion, but I don't want you spreading that around.
You were never there for me were you mother? You expected Mike and Carol Brady to raise me! I'm the bastard son of Claire Huxtable! I am a Lost Cunningham! I learned the facts of life from watching The Facts of Life! Oh God!
It is more profitable for your congressman to support the tobacco industry than your life.
It's always difficult when someone close to you passes away. But it's really tough when they're on top of you.
You feel kind of weird cheering for chaos. There is that sense that the crazier it gets, the better off we are. Before, when I was part of the American public, I was hoping for a reasonable and quick solution to the impeachment process. Now, I'm hoping for partisan bedlam and chaos. It's really what serves me best.
Life is an ordeal, albeit an exciting one, but I wouldn't trade it for the good old days of poverty and obscurity.
When I look at the Gospel, I see how it is speaking to me at this time. I see how to be to others and it helps.
With any actor, if you know your character well enough, you'll know pretty much what he would say under any circumstance, or whatever situation might rear its head.
An Irishman's wife gave birth to twins. Her husband wanted to know who the other man was.
On Thanksgiving my mom put black armbands on the turkey wings so we would remember our dead relatives.
It was my uncle who taught me about the birds and the bees. He sat me down one day and said, "Remember this, George, the birds fuck the bees." Then he told me he once banged a girl so hard her freckles came off.