Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 765

I bet a guy at a bar 50 bucks that I was more dysfunctional than he was. He raped me. So I tipped him. I'm very competitive.

There were a number of referendums in '98 that most of the things I voted for passed. That's very satisfying when you feel that most of the country is in step with your views.

I went to a massage parlor. It was self service.

I love comedy and I would write things to myself as an exercise in writing. I didn't do well for years, and I quit. I started to break down why I was afraid and started to look at people I admired, like Richard Pryor, Eddie Murphy, Freddie Prinze, George Carlin and all.

On respect for the Queen: When I lick a stamp I always do it with my eyes closed.

If the owner hadn't come and seen the smoke, by time this place opened tonight it would have been rolling.

You're looking at something that is going to revolutionize the whole world.

If there is a God, his plan is very similar to someone not having a plan.

When you're three, you're into custard, and jumping.

If the veins in the back of your legs look like the street map of greater Pittsburgh, you ain't nobody's "babydoll".

The scotch egg is such a Scottish food. It's as though a great Scottish chef said: I need a tasty snack. Let's take an egg... and wrap it in meat!! Makes it a bit harder.

Did I leave the gas on? No! No, I'm a fuckin' squirrel!

I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said 'Happy Birthday' on it. I didn't want to waste it so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it.

I never made 'Who's Who,' but I'm featured in 'What's That?'

There are many ways to die in bed, but the best way is not alone.