Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 765
Went to the grocery store, got everything on my list and went up to the checkout. I put a bag of pet food for our rabbit on the conveyor. The girl looked at me and said, "Do you have a rabbit?" I looked at here and said deadpan, "Nope. Just like 'em 'cause they're crunchy. Here's your sign."
I asked my wife if she enjoys a cigarette after sex and she said, "No one drag is enough."
As a guy I never liked being told to call, which my wife really never does, and that’s why I call her as often as I do.
The great thing about Glasgow is that if there's a nuclear attack it'll look exactly the same afterwards.
If you think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 miles per hour... you might be a redneck.
A new study published by The British Medical Journal found that inactivity can kill you. I mean, these are the kind of findings that just scare the hell out of Congress.
I have been privileged to get to know Kenny Dalgish and I would call him a friend – though his lawyer would call me a stalker (I don’t know why – just because I was in his garden!).
It's so childish, "greatest country in the world." It's like saying, "I have the best wife in the world. Not just the one best suited for me, the best wife in the world. And if you could have my wife, you'd kill your wife."
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar. The barman looks at them and says: "Is this some kind of a joke?"
On respect for the Queen: When I lick a stamp I always do it with my eyes closed.
Buy a condom, ribbed for her pleasure. Turn it inside out, now it's ribbed for your pleasure.
If there is a God, his plan is very similar to someone not having a plan.
You ever wake up with an erection, roll over, and think you broke your dick?
Because I think whenever you sit down with another human being who would absolutely disagree with you on every issue, you learn about them as a person and you relate, in human terms, and it's much more difficult for either side to dismiss out of hand, like that person's a freak, that person's a Nazi.