Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 765
If you are 26 years old and you’re waking up under Star Wars sheets… the Force is not with you.
You ever see those racism public service announcements where they have an athlete speak out against racism, but they'll make it specific to their sport? Like a boxer will say, 'We gotta knock out racism.' Or a basketball player will say, 'We gotta slam dunk racism.' I want to do one of those, except as a comedian. I'll be like, 'Racism's not funny -- except in small groups of close personal friends and family. Keep it where it belongs.'
I'm 31 now. I think I'm beginning to understand what life is, what romance is, and what a relationship means.
If you refuse to see Superman Returns this summer, what you're saying about yourself is: I heart Al Qaeda.
Always do business as if the person you're doing business with is trying to screw you, because he probably is. And if he's not, you can be pleasantly surprised.
People in the United Kingdom and outside the United States share my bemusement with the United States that America doesn't share with itself.
I took my father on a coach trip last summer.We were halfway there when the driver lost control of the coach, it flew down a hill around a bend and crashed through a brick wall. I wasn’t hurt but luckily my father had the presence of mind to kick my head in.
I think it would be a fatal mistake to use my show as a platform for controversial issues. I'm an entertainer, not a commentator. If you're a comedian your job is to make people laugh.
I used to work at UPS I got fired for unloading packages into my car.
My children think my mother is the most wonderful woman on the face of the Earth. And I keep telling my children, “That’s not the same woman I grew up with. You’re looking at an old person who’s trying to get into heaven now.”
The yearbook voted me most likely to be scraped off an onramp by a puking fireman.
I'm really good at laundry, and I have no problem cleaning the kitchen.
Brooklyn is the only place where a guy can open up a candy store sell no candy and gross over eight million dollars a year.