Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 769
You know the animal that kills the most people in the world? The Hepatitis Bee.
The scotch egg is such a Scottish food. It's as though a great Scottish chef said: I need a tasty snack. Let's take an egg... and wrap it in meat!! Makes it a bit harder.
Coach: "Are you any good?" Young Brian: "I dunno, my mom sent me..." "Well, go to right field." "Oh, okay." "Turn around, you moron!" "Oh, okay" "Not the whole way!" "Oh, just some?"
Shakespeare said, "Kill all the lawyers." There were no agents then.
I love to sing, and I love to drink scotch. Most people would rather hear me drink scotch.
Fingernails are for opening things and toenails are for storing precious minerals off the ground.
Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why. It told me it was none of my business.
Dr. Jeckyll & Mr. Hyde is a metaphor for alcoholism. He drinks a potion, becomes a monster. I know exactly how he feels.
It's very hard to keep your spirits up. You've got to keep selling yourself a bill of goods, and some people are better at lying to themselves than others. If you face reality too much, it kills you.... you've got to find an answer to the question: Why go on?
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
The reason a person is a republican is because something is wrong with them. Again, that's science - that's neuroscience. You cannot be well adjusted, open-minded, pluralistic, enlightened and be a republican.
I try to avoid people's eyes because I don't like to get that intimate with just anybody. i don't need the responsibility.