Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 769
I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.
In most polls there are always about 5 percent of the people who "don't know." What isn't generally understood is that it's the same people in every poll.
A man falls down a flight of stairs and somebody rushes over to him and asks, "Did you miss a step?" "No," he answers, "I hit every one of them!"
I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
I try to avoid people's eyes because I don't like to get that intimate with just anybody. i don't need the responsibility.
When you stop giving and offering something to the rest of the world, it's time to turn out the lights.
The driving force behind doing everything that I've been doing for 11 years as a stand-up is having problems with authority and not liking to be told what to do.
I know a man in Ft. Worth with 100,000 head of cattle. No bodies, just heads.
You're not going to find a Pygmie on Paxal, I'll tell you that.
Rip Van Winkle, who said, "Don't make the bed; I'm just going to the bathroom." Never got a dinner!
Fang's breath is so bad the dentist works on him through his ears.
When I go to bed at night, I've got so much grease on my body I wear snow chains to hold up my nightgown.
I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don't know I'm only using blanks.
It goes Christmas,New Year’s Eve and Valentine’s Day. Is that fair to anyone who’s alone? Those are all days you got to be with someone. And if you didn’t get around to killing yourself at Christmas or New Year’s - boom - there’s Valentine’s Day for you. I think there should be just one more holiday after Valentine’s Day for the stragglers. And it should be called, “Who Could Love You?”