Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 769
In my lifetime, we've gone from Eisenhower to George W. Bush. We've gone from John F. Kennedy to Al Gore. If this is evolution, I believe that in twelve years, we'll be voting for plants.
A good way to keep your relationship together is not to scream in terror when you see your partner naked.
... people are always asking, Tiger, how do you do it, and my answer is shut up ... I ask the questions around here, I'm Tiger Woods ...
You look like a normal person, if you can find a normal person who wants to look like that.
It’s the worst feeling when you come home alone late at night and think the stranger sitting on your couch is a pile of clothes.
As far as I’m concerned, humans have not come up with a belief that’s worth believing.
I don’t have pet peeves - I have major psychotic fucking hatreds!
You can never give complete authority and overall power to anyone until trust can be proven.
Most of the stuff I do on the show comes out of me just trying to make my friends laugh.
Obama says he's bringing 10,000 troops home. The Republicans are calling it a "failed jobs program."
I have tried... believe me, I have tried to like rap music. It makes me feel so very, very old. I have tried to get home with the downies.
I plan on talking to my kids about sex early. Like six. Or seven am.
When I was seven, my parents had a party, and I went around to all the guests with a glass of water, and I said, "Here, drink this. This is a magic glass of water. If you drink this, you all get a little bit taller." And they all drank some, and they thought, "Oh, isn't this a weird kid?" And when they all drank some and went back to what they were doin', I went to the room where they keep all the coats, and I hemmed all the sleeves two inches. They were all freakin' out when they left.