Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 769
Well I have a drug history and a public drinking problem and I am not the healthiest guy. So they just ran that I died of a drug overdose.
I'm keeping in shape, you know, gotta look good for the ladies -- and certain guys. Hey, I can't control who's looking. I just gotta bring the heat.
I'm just looking for a little mystery in life... like things you can't explain. Like, you go to Mexico, they tell you don't drink the water. You go to any diner here, who brings you the water? It's a mystery.
Bush, Kerry and Nader -- those were the the choices. Although Nader -- you know when you take a multiple choice exam, and they tell you to immediately rule out one choice 'cause it's crazy? -- that's Nader. It's like, 'The square root of 342 is a) 32, b) 18, c) chocolate.' Well, I know it's not chocolate -- that's Nader.
When I fart my ass makes a trumpet sound that heralds the arrival of the smell.
My wife can't cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. an antler got stuck in my throat.
I used to work at UPS I got fired for unloading packages into my car.
Edinburgh is the only place you can be sunburned and get trench foot on the same day.
I’m divorced… I tried to save my marriage. I went to counseling. Spent $5,000 to have two women call me a loser.
The things that I'm talking about not knowing, they're not mysteries of the universe; it's just stuff I thought I would know by the time I was thirty-nine.
I really like to put my name on everything, so my roommate doesn't steal it. It's really a throwback to that.
Now, most of the time you couldn't be too sure of the quality of the drug. Although, in my experience the stuff was always of a very high quality, because back then we didn't have business majors peddling lower-quality stuff in an effort to increase profits.
You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.
Basically it's the priests don't like the cloning, so we can make a compromise. For every cell that we use to make a heart valve we'll done one for them. It'll be a portable twelve-year-old boy's butt with five openings, four for personal use and one to call Bingo every Thursday.