Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 770
I got involved with this pro-choice group. Their slogan is, “Raising kids is murder”.
The problem with suicide is that it seems so flamboyant. It’s camp. You have to be a bit of a drama queen to ever seriously consider it.
I know that can hit close to home for some people....was anyone here aborted?... 'I was found in a trash can!' Okay, well, that sorta counts...
George Washington, who said to his father, "Dad, if I never tell I lie, how am I ever gonna become President?" Never got a dinner!
Because I think whenever you sit down with another human being who would absolutely disagree with you on every issue, you learn about them as a person and you relate, in human terms, and it's much more difficult for either side to dismiss out of hand, like that person's a freak, that person's a Nazi.
Give a man a fish, and he'll eat for a day. Give a man AIDS, and you don't have to give him any fish.
‘No, mate, you came here because you screwed up your A-levels.’(Reply to a heckler at Warrington University, who told Whitehall he’d ‘come here for comedy.’)
People say you learn from your mistakes. That’s bollocks – we stumble through life making the same mistakes. We just get better at dealing with the fallout.
I really don’t deserve this. But I have arthritis and I don’t deserve that either.
A man goes to a barbershop and asks, "How many ahead of me?" "Five." The man leaves. He comes back the next day and asks, "How many ahead of me?" "Four." The man leaves. He comes back the next day and asks, "How many ahead of me?" "Six." The man leaves, and the barber says to another, "Follow that man!" The man comes back and says, "He goes to your house!"
Bluebeard, who said to Scottland Yard, "How do I know how many wives I've killed? I'm not an accountant!" Never got a dinner!
Granted, not really a joke, but how often do you get a mic in your hand? You know? So. I am sorry but don't anybody trip on my soap box on the way out. Don't anybody trip over that. And the chip on my shoulder's a little heavy. I have back problems now.
He was born early. But he was born within a safe range of premature.