Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 770
I quit drinking, and I figure if I go to ten Yankee games this year without drinking I'll save $32,000.
Pussy really is the ultimate motivator of all mankind. No, don’t clap, this is a flaw in the system!
I asked my wife, "last night, were you faking it?" She said, "No, I was really sleeping."
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
Behind the proscenium arch, you can't always hear what people in the audience are saying.
That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position!
Before the invention of the telephone, you had to lie to people to their face!
My children think my mother is the most wonderful woman on the face of the Earth. And I keep telling my children, “That’s not the same woman I grew up with. You’re looking at an old person who’s trying to get into heaven now.”
I remember when I was a little boy, I once stole a pornographic book that was printed in Braille. I used to rub the dirty parts.
I went to computer class with my Dell and I was bullied by a guy with a Mac.
How come Mom is crazy and I'm not? Well, it's possible my mom could stand up in front of this many people and talk about all the crap in her life and those people could have sat around and laughed with her, it would've meant nothing and she could have moved on cool. It's also possible she could have taken out the whole front row with a large-caliber weapon.
Growing up I felt so invisible and inconsequential my parents finally insisted that I wear a name tag at home.