Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 770
It's brutal. I see friends when their shows don't work. Everything's riding on making money and all the pressure and how people scatter when fortunes turn downward.
I inherited my low-self esteem from my family. My grandfather's mantra was "I suck therefore I am."
My dad was amazing. He raised five boys. All by himself. Without the rest of us knowing.
My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, 'Sexy Senior Citizen.' You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do you? Out entering wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder where she got that dollar she gave you for your birthday.
My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.
On Thanksgiving my mom put black armbands on the turkey wings so we would remember our dead relatives.
I just want to apologise for being late. I was flying back from Spain and the air hostess said: "We are two hours late Mr Carson." When I asked why, she said: "The pilot has heard a funny noise in the engine that he doesn't like, so we are waiting on another pilot who can't hear it."
Our flaws are what makes us human. If we can accept them as part of who we are, they really don't even have to be an issue.
It was reported that the New York Knicks have won all 12 of the home games attended by magician David Blaine. A spokesman for the Knicks said, 'if this is what it takes to win, it's not worth it.'
I don't have a show anymore. I don't have a check coming in every week. This is important to me, I got to score a million tonight or it could all be over.
It's the beauty and curse of doing a daily show. Some days you've got nothing to talk about and other days Dick Cheney shoots his lawyer in the face and everyone is happy.