Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 768

I'm constipated, couldn't give a shit.

When there's someone who's dead and then someone does something that that person would not have liked, they say that that person is spinning in their grave. But I don't understand why they say that. Why is spinning the way that a corpse shows disapproval?

Growing up I felt so invisible and inconsequential my parents finally insisted that I wear a name tag at home.

The yearbook voted me most likely to be scraped off an onramp by a puking fireman.

I'm really good at laundry, and I have no problem cleaning the kitchen.

There was an Irish space program to go to the sun. They went at night so they didn't get burnt.

One day in the shower, you figure it out. It's a special day in a man's life. I was like, "Oh, I found me a hobby."

Wafah Dufour bin Laden, niece of Osama bin Laden has signed a contract to star in a reality show...called Skating with the Nieces of Terrorists.

If everything is amplified, we hear nothing.

Too bad all the people who know how to run this country are busy running taxicabs or cutting hair.

Sometimes when I watch porn I get my hoodie on so I feel creepier.

This isn’t a bra, it’s body armor. And this isn’t make up, it’s war paint.

By the way, great way to fight: arms down, face presented.

I just often find myself getting shrill, angry and the jokes get more incredulous.

What kind of super hero would you become if, at age 9, you saw both your parents get raped to death by lambs? Not the cool kind.