Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 768
At his wife's 60th birthday party in Jackson Hole, Wyoming, Dick Cheney had a huge steak and battered onion rings for dinner. Afterward he met with 100 donors, not campaign donors, heart donors.
I led such a sheltered life I didn't go out with girls until I was almost four.
An Irishman's wife gave birth to twins. Her husband wanted to know who the other man was.
If there is a God, his plan is very similar to someone not having a plan.
I go - that's a nice tie. That's right, Davie. Ralph Lauren regularly $80. A little tomato stain, you can barely see it, 4 bucks! Sweet.
I am a personal optimist but a skeptic about all else. What may sound to some like anger is really nothing more than sympathetic contempt. I view my species with a combination of wonder and pity, and I root for its destruction. And please don't confuse my point of view with cynicism; the real cynics are the ones who tell you everything's gonna be all right.
Fang drops so much food on his ties we keep them in the refrigerator.
Sometimes when I watch porn I get my hoodie on so I feel creepier.
If a piece requires some specific inflection, I'll record it. I take a lot of notes, and later categorize them, combining them alongside existing ideas, and eventually put a piece together.
She was hostile. You don't have an orgasm and say to your lover, 'Take that!'
The scotch egg is such a Scottish food. It's as though a great Scottish chef said: I need a tasty snack. Let's take an egg... and wrap it in meat!! Makes it a bit harder.
I don’t get back to Iowa very often. I mean, it took me a long time to realize that we were free to go.