Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 768
"Money is the root of all evil." Then we hear, "A fool and his money are soon parted." What are they talking about? If money is so evil, shouldn't it be, "A wise man and his money are soon parted"? And another thing, how does a fool get money in the first place? I know some fools who have a lot of money, but they won't tell me how they got it, and I won't tell them.
Dr. Jeckyll & Mr. Hyde is a metaphor for alcoholism. He drinks a potion, becomes a monster. I know exactly how he feels.
I get a little heated when I talk about the past. But I wanted to be clear - I'm not mad at anybody - not anymore.
My daughters been picked up so many times she's starting to grow handles.
If a cunt falls in the forrest, but lacks the self awareness to really see it, did it fall in the first place?
The doctor who delivered Mr. T, who said, "He slapped me!" Never got a dinner!
I’m on that diet where you eat vegetables and drink wine. That’s a good diet. I lost 10 pounds and my driver’s license.
I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, 'I'm going to mop the floor with your face.' I said, 'You'll be sorry.' He said, 'Oh, yeah? Why?' I said, 'Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well.'
You are what you are. You don’t choose to be gay or straight. I don’t choose to be attracted to women, it sucks. I lose half my shit every ten years and have to start fresh.
You’re an idiot. What you think an African family wakes up and there’s a little goat with a ribbon tied round it? And they go, ‘Oh look what Santa brought us!
The designated driver program, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, drop them off at the wrong house.
I once dealt with a prima donna on a movie set. I won't say who, but his first name is a country. A communist country. Run by Fidel Castro.
Nineteen people flew into the towers. It seems hard for me to imagine that we could go to war enough to make the world safe enough that nineteen people wouldn't want to do harm to us. So it seems like we have to rethink a strategy that is less military-based.