Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 773

His golf bag does not contain a full set of irons.

You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we have no idea where she is.

My grandfather invented the cold air balloon... But it never really took off.

The scotch egg is such a Scottish food. It's as though a great Scottish chef said: I need a tasty snack. Let's take an egg... and wrap it in meat!! Makes it a bit harder.

I was watching the Animal Planet. Did you know that the male seahorse has the baby? Why don't they just call that one the female?

Dr. Jeckyll & Mr. Hyde is a metaphor for alcoholism. He drinks a potion, becomes a monster. I know exactly how he feels.

Noah’s wife, who said to Noah, "Don't let the elephants watch the rabbits." Never got a dinner!

I enjoy the last quarter of all basketball games.

I'm like Bush, I see the world more like checkers than chess.

He was born early. But he was born within a safe range of premature.

When God gives you AIDS - and God does give you AIDS, by the way - make lemonAIDS.

If you're frightened of leprechauns, the best thing to do is to get yourself a little leprechaun outfit and see how big they are. And then you'll go, 'Well I see. That's like bein' frightened of a hampster.'

They’ve found a link between chemicals in shampoo and obesity. If you’re eating shampoo, your weight is the least of your concerns.

I'm a lucky bastard. You know it and I know it.

The Holocaust would never have happened if black people lived in Germany in the 1930s and 40s … well, it wouldn't have happened to Jews.