Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 773

Why is it that it's okay to call a white person "mate" yet it's not okay to call a black guy "primate"?

In Washington, a man gets up to speak and doesn’t say a thing, and the other men disagree with him for three hours.

Vincent Van Gogh, who said to the hat salesman, "I like it, but it keeps sliding over my ear." Never got a dinner!

Don't hate the player; change the game.

I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don't know I'm only using blanks.

Oh Satan you're a wily one.

When I was a kid and we used to play Post Office, I was the Dead Letter Office.

Fang is so dumb. When he won his letter for high school the coach had to read it to him.

I'd like to do one of those jumps they do in the movies; in a car, over a bridge, in the air with a huge explosion. It would be a final moment of entertainment.

You wanna have laughs? Do what I do. When I go through a tollbooth, I keep going. I tell the guy, "The car behind me is paying for two."

I was in a department store and I saw a weird-looking gadget. I asked the young saleslady what it was. She answered, “It doesn’t do anything. It’s just a Christmas gift.”

Anyone look back at their high school career and just shudder at what you got away with and didn't die?

If I'm on the course and lightning starts, I get inside fast. If God wants to play through, let him.

To this day I can't get aroused until I see a pair of rubber dice hanging from the mirror.

The reason old man use Viagra is not that they are impotent. It's that old women are so very ugly.