Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 773
Rip Van Winkle, who said, "Don't make the bed; I'm just going to the bathroom." Never got a dinner!
“A market researcher said ‘can I ask you 10 questions’, I said ‘go on’, she said ‘question number 1 have you ever had a blackout?’ I said ‘no’, she went…’and finally, question number 10.’”
There was a girl who was cooking a cake for her family for the first time and the directions said "Grease the bottom of the pan." So, she greased the bottom of the pan... You think there was a house fire? Here's your sign!
My sister-in-law is so skinny that she has a striped dress with only one stripe.
As far as I’m concerned, humans have not come up with a belief that’s worth believing.
I'm not saying my wife's a bad cook, but she uses a smoke alarm as a timer.
Did you know they had home paternity tests now at Rite Aid? Not pregnancy tests. Paternity tests. So you can go down the aisle… you and your kid, ‘Uh, let’s get some toilet paper. You want an ice cream cone? You know, while we’re at it why don’t we see who your daddy is.”
When you want to make it clear to the rest of the world that you are not an imperialist, the best countries to have with you are Britain and Spain.
If you're hanging out with two negative people, do they equal one positive person?