Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 774
I come around when you least expect me! I'm sitting at the bar when your glass is empty!
In the late '60s and '70s, when feminism was on the up sweep, there was an awareness of things that we're losing again.
You ever fall asleep performing oral sex? What’s so funny? I’ve done it. It’s not that bad. Waking up is horrible. “Where am I? What is this? Do you have any relish?”
You look like something the dog just buried in the backyard and is trying to forget where.
My mother-in-law buys her coats in a carper shop. She wears a 9x12.
You wanna have laughs? Do what I do. When I go through a tollbooth, I keep going. I tell the guy, "The car behind me is paying for two."
Being a parent is a life sentence. You see, that's why normal people should not have children. Because, if you raise a kid with only love and support, I guarantee that kid will be in rehab by the time he is sixteen. Why ? Because you never introduced him to mister back-of-your-hand. You know why I only broke into a liquor store once ? 'Cos my father introduced me to mister back-of-his-hand. And it's wiley side-kick. Mister foot-in-my-ass.
Inside of you, there's a fashion model just waiting to throw up.
Why is it we don't always recognize the moment when love begins, but we always know when it ends?
Iraqi's minister of information did not show up for his press conference today. However, he claims he was there and he said it went very well.
To this day I can't get aroused until I see a pair of rubber dice hanging from the mirror.
I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him.
I didn’t know how to grab your best material and put it together into a comedy set. I would just choose subjects and do it onstage. That’s what I learned. I didn’t know how to put a set together.