Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 774
I have tried... believe me, I have tried to like rap music. It makes me feel so very, very old. I have tried to get home with the downies.
I don't know why I should have to learn Algebra... I'm never likely to go there.
You may be a redneck if... you think you are an entrepreneur because of the "Dirt for Sale" sign in the front yard.
Remember when movies were just good or bad, before auteurs, film festivals, and guys from USC who were the first to shoot underwater?
It is more profitable for your congressman to support the tobacco industry than your life.
I'll think of the idea and then I'll write something down, then within that there will be a joke or two which is the original thing which I thought was funny.
Growing up I felt so invisible and inconsequential my parents finally insisted that I wear a name tag at home.
I think it's probably much easier to do political comedy from a two-party point of view, in that the majority have some sense of what it means to be one or the other.
Last girl I went out blew me off, gave me the Heisman. Straight arm, knee up. Boom. Now I call her with lame excuses. Hey did I leave a penny over there? Maybe I'll swing by late night. Late night.
I actually was class clown, but I don't know how that happened because I've never been considered an outwardly funny person - as the people in this room will attest.
Have you ever noticed that your ugliest friend is most afraid of being raped?
Fang drops so much food on his ties we keep them in the refrigerator.
The grocery store near my house closes at 8:25.<br /> -- Todd Barry, on the hours of the grocery store near his house