Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 774
Anyone can dabble, but once you've made that commitment, your blood has that particular thing in it, and it's very hard for people to stop you.
The legendary Dick Van Dyke on the show tonight. The actor not the pubic beard style. Although... maybe it's time for something new.
I never understood how people could come to a yard sale and get picky. Make me feel bad about the stuff I didn’t want anyway… <br /> “Does this VCR have a remote?” <br /> “No. It doesn’t have a cord either. That’s why it’s $4. It’s a piece of crap.”<br /> “Well, I was looking for a new VCR.”<br /> “Yeah, I think they sell those in places called ‘stores.’”
My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
It’s too much trouble to get laid. ‘Cause you have to go out with a guy, go to dinner with him and listen to him talk about his opinions. And I don’t have that kind of time.
It's 113 degrees in Phoenix! Damn!!! I'm not as hot as I thought I was!
"This is your brain." I've seen a lot of weird shit on drugs. I have never ever ever ever EVER looked at a fucking egg and thought it was a brain.
Don't bother me while I'm eating, or when I'm coming out of the crackhouse or something. Just let me get going.
I don't want to take a pill. Go to Africa, go follow some bushman around. He's being chased by a lion. That's stress. You're not going to find a pygmy on Paxil, I'll tell you that right now.
Let me tell you what really happened... Every night before I go to bed, I have milk and cookies. One night I mixed some low-fat milk and some pasteurized, then I dipped my cookie in and the shit blew up.
I was once involved in a same-sex marriage. There was the same sex over and over and over.
Sometimes it looks like I’m dancing, but it’s just that I walked into a spider web.