Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 772

If we are now holding late-night talk-show hosts to the same moral accountability as we hold politicians or clergymen, I'm out. I'm gone.

You ever wake up with an erection, roll over, and think you broke your dick?

Actually, I comb my hair quite often. Of course, I use an electric toothbrush.

Too bad all the people who know how to run this country are busy running taxicabs or cutting hair.

Fang drops so much food on his ties we keep them in the refrigerator.

Sometimes when I watch porn I get my hoodie on so I feel creepier.

This isn’t a bra, it’s body armor. And this isn’t make up, it’s war paint.

I hate smart sales clerks. I said to one, "What do you have in lingerie?" She says, "More than you’ll ever have!"

Pixar had to animate themselves jumping over a shark.

I feel more comfortable in comedy.

My baby is weird man... when he get mad, he gets in the oven.

Once you're married, kiss all your dreams good-bye and "make the bitch happy." Good relationship is simply eating and fucking.

I have been the guy who has everything but yet is so one-track minded about what I want, that I can't see my blessings.

I don’t get back to Iowa very often. I mean, it took me a long time to realize that we were free to go.

I love to sing, and I love to drink scotch. Most people would rather hear me drink scotch.