Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 772

I have tried... believe me, I have tried to like rap music. It makes me feel so very, very old. I have tried to get home with the downies.

I didn’t know how to grab your best material and put it together into a comedy set. I would just choose subjects and do it onstage. That’s what I learned. I didn’t know how to put a set together.

It`s the prettiest place on the planet. My childhood was like a dream. It`s like the last Mayberry.

One of these days I'm going to bite you and I'm gonna get very, very sick.

If God is all powerful, and Jesus is the son of God, why did He make His birthday fall on Christmas?

Why put on an act on stage when I'm tragically myself.

If you ever thought you were ugly, Los Angeles is the place to come and find out you were right.

Sounds like a party at Elton John's house.

I inherited my low-self esteem from my family. My grandfather's mantra was "I suck therefore I am."

I know that can hit close to home for some people....was anyone here aborted?... 'I was found in a trash can!' Okay, well, that sorta counts...

My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.

I just want to apologise for being late. I was flying back from Spain and the air hostess said: "We are two hours late Mr Carson." When I asked why, she said: "The pilot has heard a funny noise in the engine that he doesn't like, so we are waiting on another pilot who can't hear it."

You know that kind of drunk where you're a drink away from yelling faggot or being one.

I've actually gone to the zoo and had monkeys shout to me from their cages, "I'm in here when you're walking around like that?"

I have nothing against dogs. I just hate rugs that go squish-squish.