Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 772
The great thing about Glasgow is that if there's a nuclear attack it'll look exactly the same afterwards.
A psychiatrist is a fellow who asks you a lot of expensive questions your wife asks for nothing.
The weirdest thing about a house is that it’s got locks to keep the baddies out, but they’re mostly used to lock ourselves in.
Before the invention of the telephone, you had to lie to people to their face!
Originally they wanted me to be Buster but I really like the Tobias part.
I love hitting into the rough because it gets me close to the people.
With any actor, if you know your character well enough, you'll know pretty much what he would say under any circumstance, or whatever situation might rear its head.
My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.
She had just ended an abusive relationship and I had just ended an abusive relationship and now both of us just wanted a relationship where we could make somebody else fucking pay!
People who say things like "My eyes aren't what they used to be." So what did they used to be? Ears? Wellington boots?
When I was in grade school I was into chess club, Latin club, D&D, computer camp - everything that made vaginas go away.
Sometimes you've got to specifically go out of your way to get into trouble. It's called fun.
The legendary Dick Van Dyke on the show tonight. The actor not the pubic beard style. Although... maybe it's time for something new.