Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 772

When I go to bed at night, I've got so much grease on my body I wear snow chains to hold up my nightgown.

I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don't know I'm only using blanks.

The first Monopoly game I played with my brothers, I hated losing so much, I just had to beat them.

If you really really don’t like someone, like you really don’t like someone, buy them a pony. Cause, "You know what, fuck you! Take care of this pony!"

Sad when you spend more time trying to stay alive than living.

Women save every single thing you give them. What we consider gifts they consider potential evidence that could be used against you at a later date. That’s why they have so many shoes. They just need the boxes to save all the crap that we give them.

Writing is thinking and thinking is hard work.

A problem of type 2094 has occurred... what the fuck is that... what does that mean... what are the 2093 problems I skipped to get to this one?

All these teenagers tell us how much they want to grow up and then when they do they want to be young again.

I never joined the Boy Scouts. I don’t trust any organization that has a handbook.

Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a purpose.

Pussy really is the ultimate motivator of all mankind. No, don’t clap, this is a flaw in the system!

I just read an article in the paper the other day that, in an experiment, a medical experiment, they actually hooked up electrodes to the pleasure center of a lab monkey's brain and, at the flip of a switch, sent the monkey into perpetual orgasm. I've always been against animal testing, but where do I get the home game of this?

I'm thankful that my memory is good because my vision is going.

I'm slower and some days are better than others, but I'm a fighter.