Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 775

I was in a department store and I saw a weird-looking gadget. I asked the young saleslady what it was. She answered, “It doesn’t do anything. It’s just a Christmas gift.”

My child-rearing was blocked out by an eclipse.

People feel like they're defined by where they live, where they're from. Americans, for example, are very proud of being from America. I used to love the Americans, but I went off them last year, the Americans, because of them all ganging up on the bloke from BP. Do you remember? All the Americans picking on the bloke from BP about that oil slick. It seems unfair, doesn't it, given that America is the largest consumer of oil per head in the world and they seemed annoyed with the bloke from BP for merely trying to provide them with the oil that they craved. Americans, picking on the bloke from BP. It's ridiculous. It's like a furious customer punching a prostitute in the face because he's sickened by his own desire.

Women save every single thing you give them. What we consider gifts they consider potential evidence that could be used against you at a later date. That’s why they have so many shoes. They just need the boxes to save all the crap that we give them.

A problem of type 2094 has occurred... what the fuck is that... what does that mean... what are the 2093 problems I skipped to get to this one?

Before you look for validation in others, try and find it in yourself.

All these teenagers tell us how much they want to grow up and then when they do they want to be young again.

I never joined the Boy Scouts. I don’t trust any organization that has a handbook.

I'm thankful that my memory is good because my vision is going.

I'm slower and some days are better than others, but I'm a fighter.

Always do business as if the person you're doing business with is trying to screw you, because he probably is. And if he's not, you can be pleasantly surprised.

I’ve never really thought of myself as depressed as much as paralyzed by hope.

I don't want to go through life as a Wonder Wheel murderer!

A psychiatrist is a fellow who asks you a lot of expensive questions your wife asks for nothing.

I don't have wild dogs chasing people with scripts away from my door. I get my share. I've done okay. But I usually do independent stuff because that's mostly what I'm offered.