Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 775

On respect for the Queen: When I lick a stamp I always do it with my eyes closed.

I know that can hit close to home for some people....was anyone here aborted?... 'I was found in a trash can!' Okay, well, that sorta counts...

Comedy is acting out optimism.

I've been married for 10 years and, you know, it's hard, you spruce it up and you go places. How do you spruce up anything? Artificially. You go places and do things.

I tried phone sex and got an ear infection.

I've actually gone to the zoo and had monkeys shout to me from their cages, "I'm in here when you're walking around like that?"

‘No, mate, you came here because you screwed up your A-levels.’(Reply to a heckler at Warrington University, who told Whitehall he’d ‘come here for comedy.’)

Wind chimes are also earthquake chimes.

"I'm not a strict vegetarian. I do eat beef and pork. And chicken. But not fish 'cause that's disgusting! How do you know when fish goes bad? It smells like fish either way! 'Hey this smells like a dumpster, lets eat it!'"

I never made 'Who's Who,' but I'm featured in 'What's That?'

They’ve found a link between chemicals in shampoo and obesity. If you’re eating shampoo, your weight is the least of your concerns.

I'm a lucky bastard. You know it and I know it.

Why is it that it's okay to call a white person "mate" yet it's not okay to call a black guy "primate"?

I didn't say no because between safety and adventure I choose adventure.

I know a man in Ft. Worth with 100,000 head of cattle. No bodies, just heads.