Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 78

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

Laughter is an instant vacation.

Fred was a funny kid, and I got a lot of humor from him. For a while, we were in a Catholic school up in Milwaukee, and Fred used to get laughs pulling an electric iron around the floor, like dragging a dog on a leash. Every day he had a new thing going with the iron. Fred was a great ball player too. He tried out with the Chicago White Sox, but that was years before Jackie Robinson made the break, and he was too early.

If you water it and it dies, it’s a plant. If you pull it out and it grows back, it’s a weed.

I would like to wear a diaper on days where I'm feeling lazy but... I don't. I shit my pants.

If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea... does that mean that 1 enjoys it?

You can be cool and at the same time respect your woman, who will hopefully become your wife, who will hopefully become the mother of your kids. America needs to get back to family values.

The virus in the movie 'Contagion' is based on the bird flu which came out of nowhere back in 2008. Everyone thought it was going to change the way we live and it just faded away. Wait a minute, I'm talking about President Obama.

I hate reality but it's still the best place to get a good steak.

My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.

Halloween’s my favorite holiday because you don’t have to spend it with your family.

I like my coffee like I like my women. In a plastic cup.

When you're missing your two front teeth, that's honesty. That is a door to your oral history. You're not covering anything up. You're saying, 'Hey world, I'm missing my front teeth. I'm gross; I'm dirty; I'm poor. I clearly have no problem with public urination and eating garbage. Don't come near me, I'll gum you to death!'

I asked her to record the game on ESPN, which she did, but not ESPN-HD. And then she says, 'Well, at least you still get to watch it.' Oh yeah, I pay extra money so I can watch TV like poor people. I don't even feel bad for cheating on you this weekend.

Martial sex is kinda like ordering a Civil War chess set through the mail. You get one piece every four to six weeks, you don't know what kind of shape that piece is gonna be in when you get it, but you still gotta pay the handling charges.