Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 79
Love the questions at the airport because they make you feel real intelligent. "Sir, do you know what's in your luggage?" "No. I tied a sock around my eyes and packed with my feet. I'm thinking hot dogs and gunpowder."
With all the classes they offer at school, how come they don’t have one for common sense?
As much experience, education and awareness as one can attain is important for a comedian.
It's in the Ten Commandments to not take the Lord's name in vain. Rape isn't up there, by the way. Rape is not a Ten Commandment. But don't say the dude's name with a shitty attitude.
My husband, Fang, is so dumb I once said, "There’s a dead bird." He looked up.
I hate every human being on earth. I feel that everyone is beneath me, and I feel they should all worship me. That's what I told my kids. I think I must have been Adolf Hitler in a past life.
The Russians haven't been to the moon. You know why? Because they're space pussies... You really want to impress us? Bring us back our flag!
Gilbert Gottfried is famously cheap. I’m impressed you’re here Gilbert. You gotta buy new clothes and take a week off work just to do this. But you showed up. You tightened your belt and you came. You’re like David Carradine.
I think America causes cancer, longevity is less important than fun, and young people should be discouraged from voting.
I was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right in front of me, and I didn't hear a thing.
Don't learn from other people's mistakes. That's the worst advice you could ever get. Other people are fucking morons. Wrestling's the number one show on cable television. You're gonna learn from their mistakes? They're fucking tools! You might be the first guy who could to do it right and be a hero for all of us. Take a chance and learn to fly there, Orville Wright!