Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 781

Sad when you spend more time trying to stay alive than living.

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

When you want to make it clear to the rest of the world that you are not an imperialist, the best countries to have with you are Britain and Spain.

We are the facilitators of our own creative evolution.

The shortest distance between two idiots is a conga line.

I'm thankful that my memory is good because my vision is going.

I plan on talking to my kids about sex early. Like six. Or seven am.

You can’t tell somebody to kiss your ass on a scooter!

I don't want to go through life as a Wonder Wheel murderer!

Come on, let's sing one of the old tunes. "When you're sliding into home and your pants are full of foam, Diarrhea."

You might be a redneck if you think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.

I only have one note, let's be honest. But I'll play a different version of that one note.

Then, there was Cary Grant. He spent three hours a week in hospitals teaching nervous people how to eat jello.

It's an honor to walk in the footsteps of a legend. As host I intend to honor the tradition of The Bob Hope Classic and have a great time blazing a new path.

And I love to ride my bike, which is great aerobics, but also just a great time for me to think, so it's like this terrific double bill.