Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 781
To some I am known as Chief. And these are usually people who work in Radio Shack or try to sell me shoes. To others I am known as Buddy. These are people who dwell in bars and wonder if I’ve got a problem or what it is that I am "looking at." And to still others, who are in that same bar, standing just off to the side, I am "Get Him!"
It’s gonna be awesome! A suspected pedophile dunks my kids head in a bucket so when she dies she can live in an invisible castle. Set the alarm!
Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established.
I'm thankful that my memory is good because my vision is going.
What do you do if you're in the car and your girlfriend touches your crotch then asks you to remind her "to get kitchen scissors?"
If old people are so wise, how come they are always getting fucked by telemarketing fraud?
It was so hot today I went to a cash point machine just to enjoy the feel of a cold gun against the back of my neck.
If I thought the Lord was speaking to me I'd check myself into Bellevue, and I think you should too.
When I was seven, my parents had a party, and I went around to all the guests with a glass of water, and I said, "Here, drink this. This is a magic glass of water. If you drink this, you all get a little bit taller." And they all drank some, and they thought, "Oh, isn't this a weird kid?" And when they all drank some and went back to what they were doin', I went to the room where they keep all the coats, and I hemmed all the sleeves two inches. They were all freakin' out when they left.
Decorating the gym can't mask the fact that it smells like a mix between corsage and balls.
I've got to watch myself these days. It's too exciting watching anyone else.
Rich people are just like us though they now eat their meals off square shaped plates.
We're the greatest country on Earth except when it comes to getting shit done.
I think I'm going to put baby powder all over my legs before this walk just to be safe.
How come Mom is crazy and I'm not? Well, it's possible my mom could stand up in front of this many people and talk about all the crap in her life and those people could have sat around and laughed with her, it would've meant nothing and she could have moved on cool. It's also possible she could have taken out the whole front row with a large-caliber weapon.