Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 780
Whenever I watch the beginning of Jimmy Fallon, I feel like I should sue the Roots for bait and switch.
How about you go over and introduce yourself, build me up, that way I don't have to brag about myself later.
It has this scope that's outrageous, but yet at the core, these very intimate scenes, so that alone is interesting.
I had a lovely military flight, thank you. I love spiraling in - nothing like that to make your colon go, "Fire in the hole!"
Shakespeare said, "Kill all the lawyers." There were no agents then.
Dad needs to show an incredible amount of respect and humor and friendship toward his mate so the kids understand their parents are sexy, they're fun, they do things together, they're best friends. Kids learn by example. If I respect Mom, they're going to respect Mom.
It's not a mystery to me what happened with 9/11. These guys are out there. We knew they were out there. It was a failure of will on our part to address the situation 10 years before. There is no big mystery about it.
I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said 'Happy Birthday' on it. I didn't want to waste it so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it.
Nostradamus, who predicted that Billy Bailey would not come home. Never got a dinner!
A Polish man bought a zebra for a pet. What does he call the zebra? Spot!
When people pay to see you live, they connect with you on a much deeper level than people who just buy your records.
I try to avoid people's eyes because I don't like to get that intimate with just anybody. i don't need the responsibility.
On one side you have book burners, Congressional wives and Pat Robertson. On the other side, you have vulgar comedians, foul-mouthed rap groups and Dennis Hopper - all your choices should be so easy.
Clinton could have done a better job with the hurricane while having sex.