Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 780
Fear of intimacy thankfully keeps me from getting close to myself.
I wish I was a book. She could pick me up, flip through my pages. Make sure nobody drew wieners in me.
The truth is, the family is much more creatively nourishing because you're playing on a full keyboard. Whereas when you're single, you're just playing the upbeat jazzy tunes.
If you properly clean a room, it gets dirtier before it gets cleaner.
Some people rely on rumors and gossip because they are devoid of any original thought.
If someone loves you and they leave and don't come back, it was never meant to be. If someone loves you and they leave and come back, set them on fire.
You also notice that the right side of your face feels like it's sliding off of your skull. And your bottom lip is in your lap!
I shot me a nice deer, and I hung it on the den wall in my house. My neighbor comes over and he says, "Did you shoot that thing?" I said, "Nope. He ran through the wall and got stuck. Here's your sign."
I know what you're thinking: yet another late night talk show host accusing Neil Sedaka of being a war criminal.
If old people are so wise, how come they are always getting fucked by telemarketing fraud?
It was so hot today I went to a cash point machine just to enjoy the feel of a cold gun against the back of my neck.
If you think the last four words to the national anthem are "gentleman, start your engines", you might be a redneck.
It`s the prettiest place on the planet. My childhood was like a dream. It`s like the last Mayberry.