Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 795
You know, making a movie is a collaborative effort and sometimes all the ingredients don’t work out. I know that every now and again I am going to make a movie that won’t work.
When something is "new and improved!". Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.
How many of you text message? It’s a great way of not communicating.
I just got reacquainted with my daddy after 30 years. He came back into my life after 30 years. Ain't that some shit? It's nice. You can laugh if you want to. It ain't like he was lost at sea or nothing.
If you're frightened of leprechauns, the best thing to do is to get yourself a little leprechaun outfit and see how big they are. And then you'll go, 'Well I see. That's like bein' frightened of a hampster.'
The biggest thing I remember is that there was just no transition. You hit the ground diapering.
Think of me as an impetuous Hegel, drunk with power, and also, regular drunk.
It's 113 degrees in Phoenix! Damn!!! I'm not as hot as I thought I was!
I've always loved the flirtatious tango of consonants and vowels, the sturdy dependability of nouns and capricious whimsy of verbs, the strutting pageantry of the adjective and the flitting evanescence of the adverb, all kept safe and orderly by those reliable little policemen, punctuation marks. Wow! Think I got my ass kicked in high school?
The best part of being married is... you don't have to explain a lot of things. Those wordless moments when you both know that what you witnessed together is funny, idiotic, or really sweet. Being connected is pretty miraculous.
No matter what you’re doing in life, listen. Listen, wait, process it, then you open your mouth. Gather the information and then you reply. Anything else, you’re bound to fail. Anything you do, do it like that. When you don’t know how to deal with your lady, take an improv class. You can improv on her birthday. You can improv on your anniversary. You can improv in the bedroom. Can you imagine the skills you would have with your lady if you just listened better? Improv opens doors to everything. It’ll keep you from getting fired. It’ll keep you from getting a ticket. It’ll get you a nice time with your lady. Before you open your mouth, make sure you’ve listened. You can have anything you want in life.