Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 795

Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having. Goddamn it Otto, you are an alcoholic! Goddamn it Otto, you have Lupus! One of those two doesn't sound right.

I try to keep performing as much as possible - I just like to. I used to take huge gaps off between gigs, now I just like to do stand-up gigs as much as I can.

Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and three dollar pantyhose that won't run.

You know that kind of drunk where you're a drink away from yelling faggot or being one.

Don't puss out on me now!

I'd get demolitions experts to rig mother to implode like a skyscraper.

If acting was hard for me, I wouldn`t do it, it is something that I like to do.

Pixar had to animate themselves jumping over a shark.

You might be a redneck if a full-grown ostrich has fewer feathers than your cowboy hat.

If you are killing time, are you damaging eternity?

I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.

My dad's all I've ever had. When I was 3 and 4, my mom used to take me to bars. I understand why now - babysitters cost beer, beer and-a-half an hour.

So I went to the Doctor's yesterday. He said, "What appears to be the problem?" I said, "I keep having this dream, night after night, beautiful girls rushing towards me and I keep pushing them away." He said, "How can I help?" I said: "break my arms."

You wanna know how you know you’re informed as a protestor? They don’t show your interview on TV.

I'm a hypochondriac. Backstage, I don't sign autographs - I signed a valium for some woman.