Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 795
Everyone has these two visions when they hold their child for the first time. The first is your child as an adult saying "I want to thank the Nobel Committee for this award." The other is "You want fries with that?"
In Washington, a man gets up to speak and doesn’t say a thing, and the other men disagree with him for three hours.
That show 'Queer Eye for the Straight Guy' has been getting a lot of ratings. People love that show. That's a great idea for a show. You get four gay guys that try to make a straight guy gayer. That's a good idea for a show. We used to just call that Boy Scout camp.
When you interrupt, you've stopped listening. People need to be heard.
Looking at cleavage is like looking at the sun. You don't stare at it. It's too risky. Ya get a sense of it and then you look away.
Some people say kissing is more intimate than sex... I guess, if you’re kissing someone’s butt hole.
I’ve been fired a lot. I prefer to call it just another stop on my Burning Bridges Tour.
I remember the first time I had sex. I wore a cape and goggles… because I didn’t know.
Tara Reid is charging $3,500 for a personal appearance fee. So, for only $3,500 you can either buy a 1998 Jetta with 130,000 miles on it... or Tara Reid, who only has 98,000 miles on her.
I don't think men talk as much as women, but when we have something on our minds we'll get it out.
I never joined the Boy Scouts. I don’t trust any organization that has a handbook.
I think, in most cases, the difference between depression and disappointment is your level of commitment.
So she viewed time spent in the land of the normal as an investigation into the world of marriage-worthy men, even if she was unsure about her own interest in marriage. There must be one solid citizen who also had a spark of life, a sense of humor and adventure.