Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 795
I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing.
I wish I was a book. She could pick me up, flip through my pages. Make sure nobody drew wieners in me.
I came home and found that my son was taking drugs - my very best ones too!
If someone loves you and they leave and don't come back, it was never meant to be. If someone loves you and they leave and come back, set them on fire.
My mother was an authority on pigsties. This is the worst looking pigsty I've ever seen in my life.
My girlfriend called me because one of our other friends is getting married. So, they told me I had to pitch in for a male stripper. I said, 'You out your damn mind. I ain't payin' for no naked-ass man.' I mean, you think about it - women? We really don't have to pay to see that. I mean, really - we spend most of our time trying not to see that.
When I was younger that’s when I was in good shape. I was in my peak physical condition when I was, like, one. Man, you should have seen me back then.
I think I could go away tomorrow. I've already accomplished something. It's such a selfish business that sometimes I get sick of myself.
If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.
Cut out those intimate little dinners for two - unless there's someone with you.
You ever do a little delete game? Do you like to do that? You go through, you take your contactlist, sometimes you're just in the doctor's office right? You start scrolling through, you're like... who don't I need? Who don't I need in my life?
It's just easier to make fun and cut down. It's kind of a way of life in America. If you can make people want to hear what you're going to say, it can be cruel and funny.
Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.