Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 794
Scientists think they can now clone an all-white zebra. Now, I'm no expert, but isn't that a horse?
You're really spread out now, you've got stuff all over the world! You've got stuff at home, stuff in storage, stuff in Honolulu, stuff in Maui, stuff in your pockets... supply lines are getting longer and harder to maintain.
Because I was surrounded by so much negativity at some point that it took me going back and doing stand-up to realize, you know, people really like me.
Honestly, the real reason i shave it down there is to make my dick look bigger, thats why. You mow the lawn the yard looks bigger.
I don't know if I have sexual magnetism or animal magnetism, though sometimes I'll find a squirrel stuck to my forehead.
You know, making a movie is a collaborative effort and sometimes all the ingredients don’t work out. I know that every now and again I am going to make a movie that won’t work.
In most polls there are always about 5 percent of the people who "don't know." What isn't generally understood is that it's the same people in every poll.
The Holocaust would never have happened if black people lived in Germany in the 1930s and 40s … well, it wouldn't have happened to Jews.
I have just returned from Boston. It is the only thing to do if you find yourself up there.
My horoscope was so depressing today, it included a list of poisons.
School, in general, was not great. Children are just mean to each other… but by high school, I probably stopped being annoying to people, and people stopped being mean. By the end of it, it was wonderful.
Radio is a bag of mediocrity where little men with carbon minds wallow in sluice of their own making.