Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 794

Don't get upset. I'm probably wrong about half the shit I say.

And I love to ride my bike, which is great aerobics, but also just a great time for me to think, so it's like this terrific double bill.

I don't think of my opponents in the sense that I don't think of them consciously, I don't steer it one way or the other.

Actually, I comb my hair quite often. Of course, I use an electric toothbrush.

I believe at the end of my career I’ll be retired into the recurring character hall of fame.

Those bellhops in Miami are tip-happy. I ordered a deck of playing cards and the bellboy made fifty-two trips to my room.

I remember talking to someone early on after I was sober about how I suddenly felt awkward at parties. They said, 'Well, you're supposed to. Everyone feels awkward at parties.' It's an appropriate feeling to feel.

I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.

Scientists think they can now clone an all-white zebra. Now, I'm no expert, but isn't that a horse?

I went through the usual stages: imp, rascal, scalawag, whippersnapper. And, of course, after that it's just a small step to full-blown sociopath.

My brother then opened a tall man's shop in Tokyo.

Coach: "Are you any good?" Young Brian: "I dunno, my mom sent me..." "Well, go to right field." "Oh, okay." "Turn around, you moron!" "Oh, okay" "Not the whole way!" "Oh, just some?"

It’s all fun and games until someone gets a boner.

Nationalism and patriotism in the wrong hands will destroy lives, it really will, because I'll tell you something: it takes a village to ruin a child. I think we've proven that time and time again in this country.

They shouldn’t call anything a boot camp unless you’re going off to war. Standup boot camp has been a fantastic thing, for the people putting it on. They keep you out in the woods and won’t let you come back until you’re funny. Lenny Bruce came up with his Religions Inc. bit on a day hike.