Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 794

I'm the luckiest unlucky person.

I'm going through a humbling experience these days.

I'm slower and some days are better than others, but I'm a fighter.

There are really only so many foods and so many ways you can prepare them.

I've got to watch myself these days. It's too exciting watching anyone else.

Let me tell you, never before in the history of this planet has anybody made the progress that African-Americans have made in a 30-year period, in spite of many black folks and white folks lying to one another.

It's just easier to make fun and cut down. It's kind of a way of life in America. If you can make people want to hear what you're going to say, it can be cruel and funny.

My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?? I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."

You might be a redneck if you celebrate Groundhog Day because you believe in it.

Do you know who loves to get fisted? Sock puppets.

I never use a napkin on my lap at a restaurant…because I believe in myself.

If Jesus had known that his image would end up on Justin Bieber’s calf, he would’ve never started Christianity.

It's hard on an all-gay softball team because no one knows if they want to be a pitcher or a catcher.

The first time you see a vagina you’re like, “It’s brilliant.” But it’s actually terrifying. It looks exactly like Rio Ferdinand’s smile.