Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 800

George Zimmerman wants to go to law school. I believe his exact words were, “I’d kill to be a lawyer.”

So she viewed time spent in the land of the normal as an investigation into the world of marriage-worthy men, even if she was unsure about her own interest in marriage. There must be one solid citizen who also had a spark of life, a sense of humor and adventure.

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.

Imagine if the headless horseman had a headless horse. That would be chaos. I would think that if you were the headless horseman's horse, you would be very confused. "I don't think this dude can see."

I hadn't seen a body put together like that since I solved the case of the Murdered Girl with the Big Tits.

What's the two things they tell you are healthiest to eat? Chicken and fish. You know what you should do? Combine them, eat a penguin.

You know, a TV show is a slow build.

Being in a relationship is like being in A.A…. “Hi, my name is Adam and I’m a boyfriend. It’s been six months since my last decision. I felt the urge to have an opinion the other day, but thank God my sponsor came over and we sat down ‘til that feeling went away.”

The nicest present I ever got was an exploding suppository.

Look at you, you're handsome... ish.

Whenever we go out, I pay all the tolls. Yeah - he backs up to the tolls so the booth would be on my side.

I grew up in New York wanting to be like those funny men in the movies and on the radio.

When you unleash the mix upon her, she will understand the beauty of who you are as a human being, and then she will melt and be in your bedroom soon. That's the plan with the mix.

Those who the gods would make rich and famous on TV, they first drive mad.

Isn't it a little ironic here? We pick politicians by how they look on TV and Miss America on where she stands on the issues. Isn't that a little backwards?