Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 800
If you want to condemn yourself for the mistakes you've made, let's be fair, that means you've got to congratulate yourself for all the good things you've done. It's okay to say, "God, I wish I’d done this; yeah, but I did do that." Then it kind of balances out.
I mean, the death in the late eighties and early nineties really shook out a lot of hacks. The pond just sort of dried up for a lot of really bad comedians.
Here’s a tip for all you aspiring young comics: Don’t beat up the customers. It is very difficult to get laughs from an audience when you’ve actually drawn blood from one of their number. It kills the mood.
I've hung out in the writer's room a few times, but the fact is we've got such a good writing staff, I don't want to get my peanut butter fingerprints on anything.
How is it possible to miss a woman whom you kept at a distance, so that when she was gone you would not miss her?
I still feel pangs of remorse over an insidious habit I've had since I was a teenager. About three times a week, I attend estate auctions and make insulting, low-ball bids for prized heirlooms until I'm asked to leave.
Don't bother me while I'm eating, or when I'm coming out of the crackhouse or something. Just let me get going.
I was once involved in a same-sex marriage. There was the same sex over and over and over.
I think that I would be a good father… especially if my baby liked to go out drinking.
People say I've changed and I tell em that I'm glad 'cause I don't wanna stay the same.
I've always loved the flirtatious tango of consonants and vowels, the sturdy dependability of nouns and capricious whimsy of verbs, the strutting pageantry of the adjective and the flitting evanescence of the adverb, all kept safe and orderly by those reliable little policemen, punctuation marks. Wow! Think I got my ass kicked in high school?
I admire Russell Simmons. He is a successful dude that has done a little bit of everything. He keeps it moving, and he’s still doing things. Larry David is also amazing. He is honest and blunt. A creative genius.