Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 800
I tend to stay up late, not because I'm partying but because it's the only time of the day when I'm alone and don't have to be performing.
Have you heard his [Justin Bieber] new song? ‘Cause he thinks he’s a black man now.
Too bad all the people who know how to run this country are busy running taxicabs or cutting hair.
I don’t believe in burning holy books, but I am organizing a protest. I’ll be burning all my Dennis Miller VHS cassettes as a special protest. I don’t want to hear the introduction ‘you may have seen our next comedian on the Hannity show’.
I hate smart sales clerks. I said to one, "What do you have in lingerie?" She says, "More than you’ll ever have!"
You might be a redneck if a full-grown ostrich has fewer feathers than your cowboy hat.
Scientists think they can now clone an all-white zebra. Now, I'm no expert, but isn't that a horse?
I once dated a guy who was so dumb he couldn't count to twenty-one unless he was naked.
I've had a pilot every single year that didn't sell for the past four years, that'll smack you in the back of the head. I had a really good one last year; I wouldn't have done the play in New York if I had gotten that one.
It has this scope that's outrageous, but yet at the core, these very intimate scenes, so that alone is interesting.
I was doing a show a couple of weeks ago and I was talking to a girl in the front row. I asked her her name. She said, “It’s Patacka.”