Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 800

Man can not live by bread alone... he must have peanut butter.

Parenting is the easiest job to get - you just have to screw up once and it's yours.

If someone sprays windex in your food it can give you diarrhea. But once you wipe it off your windows, you're fine.

If I can be serious now, and I have the feeling I can.

What's the two things they tell you are healthiest to eat? Chicken and fish. You know what you should do? Combine them, eat a penguin.

Wouldn't it be great if people were the same in bed as they are in every day life? When Mark Spitz gets done, does he do a flip off the headboard and come back for another lap? 'Gee, Nadia, that was perfect! That full twisting dismount wasn't bad either, babe!'

You know, a TV show is a slow build.

I finished a big book the other day. 421 pages. That’s a lot of coloring when you think about it.

If I ever commit suicide I’m going to fling myself off the top of a skyscraper, but before I do I’m going to stuff my pockets with candy and gum. That way when the onlookers walk up they can go, “Oh man he really must have been dep - Hey, Snickers!”

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

Aphrodisiacs come in many forms: food, drink, the internet...

I had a gig in Maidstone very early on. The venue doesn’t exist anymore – hopefully it burnt down. One doesn’t like to generalise but, well, they were all sub-human.

Spiritual is the word people use when they mean they want to be covered whey they die but they're not getting up early on a Sunday.

She’s a classy girl though, at least all her tattoos are spelt right.

I became vegan because I saw footage of what really goes on in the slaughterhouses and on the dairy farms.