Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 804

The queen banishes Snow White because of her beauty. But the dwarves help Snow White because they're smitten by that very beauty. It teaches kids an important lesson: Nothing matters except for your looks.

I was in a cab in New York. The cab had a sign, "Please do not smoke, Christ is our unseen guest." This guy was reaching. I figure, if he could overcome being nailed to a cross, I don't think a Marlboro Light's gonna faze him that much.

I think anybody who wants to be president has to be a politician, but I would like to find somebody who's coming from a loving place instead of a political place.

I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

Nobody is going to be as bad for free thinking, right-minded individuals than George Bush.

How can He be perfect? Everything He ever makes... dies.

I bet on a horse at ten-to-one. It didn't come in until half-past five.

If you're saying what are penguins like, they're a bit persnickety, I'll say that... Um, thank you, I have a thesaurus in my house.

We mostly get together and have fun. It's a great place to play music with a small group of nice people.

You can be gangsta in good weather, These niggas were Gangsta in 99 Feet of mothafuckin' water. Nigga how is you swimming and keeping your Pistol out the water at the same time!?!

You know that kind of drunk where you're a drink away from yelling faggot or being one.

Have you ever noticed that your ugliest friend is most afraid of being raped?

When you're three, you're into custard, and jumping.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.