Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 804

Mutations are exciting. They try to fix 'em when they come out. Did you see the two-headed baby they killed last month when they tried to cut it apart? That was hilarious!

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

Two wrongs may not make a right, but a thousand wrongs make a writer.

Three weeks ago, she learned how to drive. Last week she learned how to aim it.

You don't have to have 14 committees and studios weighing in. Its really just you.

I still feel pangs of remorse over an insidious habit I've had since I was a teenager. About three times a week, I attend estate auctions and make insulting, low-ball bids for prized heirlooms until I'm asked to leave.

Showing off seemed to me to be a highly valuable and necessary activity when I was 20.

Lacy was just as happy alone as with company. When she was alone, she was potential; with others she was realized.

There's no way I can justify my salary level, but I'm learning to live with it.

I'm rather relaxed about death. From quite an early age I've regarded it as part of the deal, the unwritten guarantee that comes with your birth certificate.

I knew a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink, and be Mary.

Mostly everything gets worse before it gets better.

As you know, I'm from Cleveland, Ohio. I love Cleveland, Ohio. I based my whole career on being from Cleveland, Ohio. And you also might know that Cleveland, Ohio, is going through some tough times right now.

Beethoven was so hard of hearing, he thought he was a painter.

If I were to say that I grew up in East Los Angeles in the projects poor, I assumed that everybody understood that it came with its own reasons for being the way I am. I didn’t get that people needed to understand where my comedy came from; I thought that they knew that. Now I tell people.