Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 805

I'm rather relaxed about death. From quite an early age I've regarded it as part of the deal, the unwritten guarantee that comes with your birth certificate.

Find something living rent free in your uterus? Evict that motherfucker!

How come there’s no self-effacing rappers? “Had to go to Goodwill to get this jacket/ that’s ‘cause I’m in a low-income tax bracket.”

Apparently my street has a leaf blower gang who tag team all day, so the sounds of the leaf blower are forever blowing from dawn to dusk.

I love devastating movies, documentaries and hummingbirds (yes, in that order).

I was 18 when I started. I was hanging out with some friends and they asked if I had tried stand-up before. I hadn't, but I thought: 'What the hell?' So I went to an open mic night, and I liked it.

To every race of people in here tonight that whitey has jacked up, I sincerely apologize - for taking your land, for the abuse, for the torture, for the small pox blanket, for the Jim Crow laws. Black people, I apologize for Kramer.

Those two are a fastidious couple. She's fast and he's hideous.

I had a gig in Maidstone very early on. The venue doesn’t exist anymore – hopefully it burnt down. One doesn’t like to generalise but, well, they were all sub-human.

I think I am, therefore, I am. I think.

New book on Malcolm X says we don’t know how he was killed. Want to bring in the FBI. Maybe they were in already.

The things that make me angry still make me angry. George Carlin is 67, and he's still as funny as he's ever been, and he's still angry. And that makes me feel good, because I feel like if I stick around long enough, I'll still be able to work.

To me, the acceptable level of fecal matter is... zero.

I bet on a horse at ten-to-one. It didn't come in until half-past five.

Comedy is acting out optimism.