Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 805

Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why. It told me it was none of my business.

No no no! Don't clap! No no no, you make me seem like I'm like a prophet or something and I'm so not!

I was married by a judge - I should have asked for a jury.

People who say things like "My eyes aren't what they used to be." So what did they used to be? Ears? Wellington boots?

Do people who believe in reincarnation ever say, "Darn, I'm still writing the year 1612 on my checks!"

I don't have credibility, I'm a comedian.

There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked."

When you stop giving and offering something to the rest of the world, it's time to turn out the lights.

It's mentally exhausting, feeling bad about something you can do nothing about.

My brother then bought 1000 Japanese cameras. They all go, "Crick".

I think it's interesting that 'cologne' rhymes with 'alone.'

If you need a baby that bad, go down to the pound and get one. Not even a baby - go get an old man. There's unwanted people of all ages, pre-made and waiting for you.

Last night my wife and I had an amazing, simultaneous panic-attack.

I'll walk up to a woman, I'll say the first thing that comes to mind: 'Hey, you hungry?'

You want to look younger... rent smaller children.