Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 805

I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they'd boo.

I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says 'go outside.'

Guys. If your pants are below your ass you have no right to accuse any lady of dressing slutty.

New York is great though. If you're here and want a one of a kind souvenir be sure to take home the police sketch of your assailant.

I have to drink this much to be as unfunny as you.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

I've hung out in the writer's room a few times, but the fact is we've got such a good writing staff, I don't want to get my peanut butter fingerprints on anything.

I still feel pangs of remorse over an insidious habit I've had since I was a teenager. About three times a week, I attend estate auctions and make insulting, low-ball bids for prized heirlooms until I'm asked to leave.

1st of December, World Aids Day….I don’t think it’ll ever take off like Christmas.

You never get tired unless you stop and take time for it.

Looking at cleavage is like looking at the sun. You don't stare at it. It's too risky. Ya get a sense of it and then you look away.

Some people say kissing is more intimate than sex... I guess, if you’re kissing someone’s butt hole.

"Sort of" is such a harmless thing to say... sort of. It's just a filler. Sort of... it doesn't really mean anything. But after certain things, sort of means everything. Like... after "I love you"... or "You're going to live"... or "It's a boy!"

We do not allow dwarf tossing. If you toss a dwarf, the dwarf will be tossed right back at you, but faster.

I'm rather relaxed about death. From quite an early age I've regarded it as part of the deal, the unwritten guarantee that comes with your birth certificate.