Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 807
You better believe that they wanna make all their fucking friends jealous, okay? And the greatest thing that could ever happen is if one of their friends is already married and if you go a couple of carats bigger and they can fucking pull that out. That's like their biggest dick competition is whoever has the shiniest fucking rock. You know what I mean? It really is fucking stupid.
If you're a guy, you have absolutely no idea what's going on at any time in the relationship, ever. Here's what you know: you know when you're getting laid, and you know when it's all over. Those are the only two things you're aware of.
After a one night stand, make sure you wait two days before you call and tell her she has AIDS.
What I have now are good problems of trying to decide and what I really want to do is good work next. My phone's ringing a lot more and I've got nine lines so when it doesn't ring, it's very frustrating.
People don’t always think Jewish people are cool because we don’t talk as cool as other types of people. You never hear stuff like, “Jews in the house!” The only time you hear a Jewish person say “in the house” is like, y’know, “Murray! Get in the house!”
You know, be able to do something great in your life, you're gonna have to realize your failures. You're gonna have to embrace them and figure out how to overcome it.
I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they'd boo.
If you are feeling overly optimistic the Republican Candidates Debate is on.
The radical right is so homophobic that they're blaming global warming on the AIDS quilt.
Dean Martin’s pancreas, who overheard his liver singing "I got a right to sing the blues." Never got a dinner!