Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 807
If I were to say that I grew up in East Los Angeles in the projects poor, I assumed that everybody understood that it came with its own reasons for being the way I am. I didn’t get that people needed to understand where my comedy came from; I thought that they knew that. Now I tell people.
If someone sprays windex in your food it can give you diarrhea. But once you wipe it off your windows, you're fine.
Tom Cruise shouldn't try to win Oscars. He should just smile and kick people in the face and leave the acting to Hugh Jackman. Why Hugh Jackman? I dunno; come up with your own example, smart-ass.
"Every 17 seconds a child dies on this planet from no clean drinking water." Good. Let's try to speed it up... there are too many people.
The difference between playing the stock market and the horses is that one of the horses must win.
The weirdest thing about a house is that it’s got locks to keep the baddies out, but they’re mostly used to lock ourselves in.
No Faith! At least wait a few minutes until rush hour is over. You're wearing a teddy bear backpack, everyone is gonna want to hit ya.
I had a gig in Maidstone very early on. The venue doesn’t exist anymore – hopefully it burnt down. One doesn’t like to generalise but, well, they were all sub-human.
In honor of Veteran's Day, make sure to pinch anybody not wearing green.
I became vegan because I saw footage of what really goes on in the slaughterhouses and on the dairy farms.