Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 806
The Hunchback of Notre-Dame, who said to his tailor Irving, "Forget the slacks - please work on the blazer!" Never got a dinner!
What I have now are good problems of trying to decide and what I really want to do is good work next. My phone's ringing a lot more and I've got nine lines so when it doesn't ring, it's very frustrating.
I did work in a bakery for one day. But the boss went off and when he came back I was lying on the floor eating cakes.
I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they'd boo.
There's a woman I see who's not my therapist, but she's like an old friend who's a therapist in profession. She lets me talk to her like a therapist once in a while, and she does a great thing. Whenever I have a big dilemma, like this is a big problem in my life, she always says, 'Wow, you're going to have to figure that out.'
Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago, it took two people to carry ten dollars' worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it.
When someone asks you, a penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
My cousins gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.
Mutations are exciting. They try to fix 'em when they come out. Did you see the two-headed baby they killed last month when they tried to cut it apart? That was hilarious!
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
I guess because of my act, people think that I say things they want to say, and that they can just come up and say anything to me.
What has gotten into you lately? Save a little craziness for menopause!
Showing off seemed to me to be a highly valuable and necessary activity when I was 20.