Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 806
When someone less capable is ahead of me, I am not pleased. It makes me insane.
The only thing wrong with me was that I was a weirdo that hated school. I’m sure now there’d be a disorder for it, but I was just an oddball.
I gave my wife a twenty-five-dollar gift certificate. She used it as a down payment on a mink coat.
Your chances of getting hit by lighting go up if you stand under a tree, shake your fist at the sky, and say "Storms suck!"
The clothes make the man. The children working in sweatshops make the clothes. Therefore, the children working in sweatshops make the man.
What's the two things they tell you are healthiest to eat? Chicken and fish. You know what you should do? Combine them, eat a penguin.
Come on, let's sing one of the old tunes. "When you're sliding into home and your pants are full of foam, Diarrhea."
Night to night, doing the clubs is a lot of fun too because you have a lot more freedom and you don't have to worry about swearing or going off the script or going long or going short. If you bomb, only a handful of people see it. On TV, a lot of people see it.
"Every 17 seconds a child dies on this planet from no clean drinking water." Good. Let's try to speed it up... there are too many people.
God picked us to be the slaves because we can handle it…. If the white folks would have been slaves, the shit would have ended in 20 minutes. “Chains! And it’s not gold!... Call my lawyer!... Get your things Susan we’re out of here.”