Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 806
I have just returned from Boston. It is the only sane thing to do if you find yourself up there.
Try to be rational? I'll tell you how rational I can be. I hope that he goes out into the wilderness and gets poision ivy, and comes back and I have to treat him then he will find out how much sick people get charged.
If I'm really considering doing film from now on then that is the smart thing to do, or you can go either way. You can just do the same character over and over again and make a different comedy like over and over again.
We do experiments on animals for a reason—to prolong our life. If hooking a monkey’s brain up to a car battery is going to save somebody of dying from AIDS in ten years, I got two things to say, “The red is positive and the black is negative.”
You might be a redneck if your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
That's why the have the programmes presented by 45 guys; "Hi I'm Ted, I'm Bob, I'm Ralph, I'm Dick, I'm Dale, I'm Nick, I'm Will", and they keep changing all the angles of the camera. "I'm over here, I'm at this desk, I'm standing here" and Wendy comes up from under the desk with the financial weather.
I've been absolutely furious for no reason lately. Maybe I'll feel better if I find a good psychiatrist and beat him to death.
Last week my tie caught on fire, some guy tried to put it out with an axe.
The weirdest thing about a house is that it’s got locks to keep the baddies out, but they’re mostly used to lock ourselves in.
Fame is being asked to sign your autograph on the back of a cigarette packet.
Every now and then, I like to give out some advice. Ladies - don't laugh during the porno watching.
I was in a cab in New York. The cab had a sign, "Please do not smoke, Christ is our unseen guest." This guy was reaching. I figure, if he could overcome being nailed to a cross, I don't think a Marlboro Light's gonna faze him that much.