Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 808

I’m on a show called Wizards of Wavery Place, and I like it, but I’m unable to convince my Tivo that I wouldn’t also like iCarly.

But you get past that and realize you have to let go of what you think you want. There'll be plenty of time for that later. Right now, go and be with that baby. Just play with this beautiful little boy.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

I was married by a judge - I should have asked for a jury.

There are some people that will not pick up a phone and call you, but if you knock on a door and talk to them, they'll talk back to you.

Do people who believe in reincarnation ever say, "Darn, I'm still writing the year 1612 on my checks!"

There is no labor a person does that is undignified; if they do it right.

Black culture is a fight. We want to hold on to what we are, but sometimes the things that we are can be totally negative. You have to think: can't we try something new and not be seen as suspect?

Lots of women are getting involved. They're not satisfied just being passengers anymore.

On the show, I do a very serious thing. And a lot of people have a hard time reconciling that with what I'm going to do after the show. They can't get it into their heads: "How can he be talking to Madeleine Albright one minute and then somebody half his age...." They're just jealous. But I never made any bones about it. I am a player. Always have been.

If Canada were really that great, it would be a state.

I don't have credibility, I'm a comedian.

There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked."

My wife she's fat. Why, if she lost a few pounds, she'd be perfectly round.

My brother then bought 1000 Japanese cameras. They all go, "Crick".