Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 808
The seven marvels that best represent man's achievements over the last 2,000 years will be determined by Internet vote... so look for Howard Stern's Private Parts to come in No. 1.
Dinah Shore? Wonderful woman. Dinah formed a foundation to locate missing senior citizens by putting their pictures on prune juice bottles.
My first car was a 1977 Oldsmobile Delta 88. Ugly car. More ugly on this car than a Rolling Stones group photo.
Give a man a fish, and he'll eat for a day. Give a man AIDS, and you don't have to give him any fish.
If you're a guy, you have absolutely no idea what's going on at any time in the relationship, ever. Here's what you know: you know when you're getting laid, and you know when it's all over. Those are the only two things you're aware of.
No one entertains the thought that maybe god does not believe in you.
If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times, does he become disoriented?
I’m on a show called Wizards of Wavery Place, and I like it, but I’m unable to convince my Tivo that I wouldn’t also like iCarly.
I did work in a bakery for one day. But the boss went off and when he came back I was lying on the floor eating cakes.
A lot of the rap shows I saw as a kid were boring, but if you went to a Rage show or a Justice show, the kids were losing their minds.
There are some people that will not pick up a phone and call you, but if you knock on a door and talk to them, they'll talk back to you.
Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago, it took two people to carry ten dollars' worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it.
Dean Martin’s pancreas, who overheard his liver singing "I got a right to sing the blues." Never got a dinner!