Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 808
Yeah how bad can it be?<br /> Some people have it worse than me<br /> I could be a child prostitute<br /> Or Gary Glitter’s family
I don't trust vitamins. I saw one today for loss of hair and esteem.
Do you think when Arabs give their kids toy cars, they say “you can only use this once.”?
Rich people are just like us though they now eat their meals off square shaped plates.
We're the greatest country on Earth except when it comes to getting shit done.
I'm very big in Australia, New Zealand, Britain, Canada and America. It's nice. I have a lovely life, and actually it pays better than the movies. Well, it doesn't pay better than Tom Cruise in the movies. But it pays better than I get. I get bus fare compared to these guys.
How come Mom is crazy and I'm not? Well, it's possible my mom could stand up in front of this many people and talk about all the crap in her life and those people could have sat around and laughed with her, it would've meant nothing and she could have moved on cool. It's also possible she could have taken out the whole front row with a large-caliber weapon.
I led such a sheltered life I didn't go out with girls until I was almost four.
I was born in New York City, but I was raised in New Jersey, part of the great Jewish emigration of 1963.
Like, see, I'd never vote for George Bush Junior, but I don't know anything about his politics. All I know about that George Bush Junior is that that guy sniffed cocaine. That's right. Now, listen, we can't have that shit in the White House. That may be fine for a mayor; but goddammit, not the White House! The stakes are too high. He'd be sellin' nuclear secrets for 20 or 30 dollars and shit.
I had temping jobs also. I liked the flexibility. There was no asking for time off; you just didn't work.
After a one night stand, make sure you wait two days before you call and tell her she has AIDS.