Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 808

Makeup's just crazy, anyways. Native Americans used to wear it, and it did all right for them until, uh … well, until you killed them all, I suppose.

If I knew as a young man what I know now I still would have felt lost.

Don't hate the player; change the game.

What's it going to take to get these people who refuse to believe that global warming exists to get in touch with reality? Where do they think exhaust goes - Bunnyland?

I don't blame my parents for my dysfunctions... I blame their parents.

Taking Viagra after open heart surgery is like a Civil War re-enactment with live ammo. Not good.

"Sort of" is such a harmless thing to say... sort of. It's just a filler. Sort of... it doesn't really mean anything. But after certain things, sort of means everything. Like... after "I love you"... or "You're going to live"... or "It's a boy!"

We do not allow dwarf tossing. If you toss a dwarf, the dwarf will be tossed right back at you, but faster.

According to the Rand McNally Places-Rated Almanac, the best place to live in America is the city of Pittsburgh. The city of New York came in twenty-fifth. Here in New York we really don't care too much. Because we know that we could beat up their city anytime.

I used to be a bartender at the Betty Ford Clinic.

My wife was fitted with a coil. For about 18 months I hated it! She used to pick up CB signals.

I knew a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink, and be Mary.

Your chances of getting hit by lighting go up if you stand under a tree, shake your fist at the sky, and say "Storms suck!"

Nobody ever says, "Can I have your beets?"

I have just returned from Boston. It is the only sane thing to do if you find yourself up there.