Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 809
If you had a personal trainer, you would probably eat him. I know that in every fat person, there's a skinny person inside, but you could have all the season's contestants of America's Next Top Model in you. I hope I get reincarnated as your feet. That way, you'd never see my face again... Oh, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have insulted you. Because in my country, cows are sacred.
I gave my wife a twenty-five-dollar gift certificate. She used it as a down payment on a mink coat.
With my wife it was sex, sex, sex...Yes, three times in 35 years.
New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time, most unsolved.
I don't want to say work is who I am, but some people feel more centered and more whole when they're producing and creating.
A problem of type 2094 has occurred... what the fuck is that... what does that mean... what are the 2093 problems I skipped to get to this one?
Your chances of getting hit by lighting go up if you stand under a tree, shake your fist at the sky, and say "Storms suck!"
I'm just looking for a little mystery in life... like things you can't explain. Like, you go to Mexico, they tell you don't drink the water. You go to any diner here, who brings you the water? It's a mystery.
You also notice that the right side of your face feels like it's sliding off of your skull. And your bottom lip is in your lap!
I have jokes I've told before and will tell again, but my favorite part of the night is talking to the crowd.
It was early on when I was really focused and obsessed with doing The Tonight Show and Letterman and stuff like that. Then, I quickly realized that those things don’t make or break a career.
My act is sort of improvisational. I have a skeleton in my head, but no fat or skin on it.