Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 809

Young people are gross with their faces and their hope.

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.

You might be a redneck if your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.

As long as one person lives in darkness then it seems to be a responsibility to tell other people.

Can't you at least die with a little dignity?

Being in a relationship is like being in A.A…. “Hi, my name is Adam and I’m a boyfriend. It’s been six months since my last decision. I felt the urge to have an opinion the other day, but thank God my sponsor came over and we sat down ‘til that feeling went away.”

Ed and I were out last night and I asked him why he drank so much. He said he drank to forget. I asked him, "To forget what?" And he said he couldn't remember.

In Mexico we have a word for sushi.

I don't understand art-speak. My pictures are big doodles. I'm amazed what people come up with when they look at them. There's one of a figure with two heads that somebody thought must be a comment on the state of matrimony. None of it is a comment on anything.

"Every 17 seconds a child dies on this planet from no clean drinking water." Good. Let's try to speed it up... there are too many people.

It has been way too cold this winter, I mean th-th-th-the temperatures have been ungodly, where the fuck is global warming when you need it!

I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.

When you unleash the mix upon her, she will understand the beauty of who you are as a human being, and then she will melt and be in your bedroom soon. That's the plan with the mix.

Those who the gods would make rich and famous on TV, they first drive mad.

She'll take 3-5 steps, always 3-5 then she'll turn and just over her shoulder say, "well your dumb like your father."