Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 809
At first the kid kicking the back of my airplane seat was enraging. Then I imagined it was a broken massage chair and I kinda liked it.
Just now when I said, "I have a crush on you," you didn't say, "no way loser". I'd rather have a lobotomy by a leper. That means something.
I'll tell you why we make fun of midgets: We're not afraid of them.
Comedians work great as actors because they're good under pressure. With a lot of actors, you have to make them feel like everything's going really well to get a good performance out of them. But, if you have a comedian on the set, you can tell them, 'Hey, you really are screwing this up,' and then they just get better.
I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
If the new American father feels bewildered and even defeated, let him take comfort from the fact that whatever he does in any fathering situation has a fifty percent chance of being right.
I'll walk up to a woman, I'll say the first thing that comes to mind: 'Hey, you hungry?'
When I heard you could get a disease from playing with your prairie dog, I thought, 'Wow, what a euphemism.' I thought playing with my prairie dog was the best way to avoid diseases.
The self-prepared dinner is a great time killer for lonely people and as much time should be spent on it as possible.
With my wife it was sex, sex, sex...Yes, three times in 35 years.
Last week I got a flu that I caught, 'cause my daughter coughed … into my mouth.
I just read an article in the paper the other day that, in an experiment, a medical experiment, they actually hooked up electrodes to the pleasure center of a lab monkey's brain and, at the flip of a switch, sent the monkey into perpetual orgasm. I've always been against animal testing, but where do I get the home game of this?