Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 809

There are very few songs about just liking someone as a friend.

A woman would never make a nuclear bomb. They would never make a weapon that kills, no, no. They’d make a weapon that makes you feel bad for a while.

If I'm really considering doing film from now on then that is the smart thing to do, or you can go either way. You can just do the same character over and over again and make a different comedy like over and over again.

24 hours in a day... 24 beers in a case.... coincidence?

Ed and I were out last night and I asked him why he drank so much. He said he drank to forget. I asked him, "To forget what?" And he said he couldn't remember.

If I thought the Lord was speaking to me I'd check myself into Bellevue, and I think you should too.

I got you the big screen TV, deluxe karaoke machine, and THX quality sound that would make George Lucas cream in his pants!

"Every 17 seconds a child dies on this planet from no clean drinking water." Good. Let's try to speed it up... there are too many people.

In honor of Veteran's Day, make sure to pinch anybody not wearing green.

My wife went to a beauty parlor and got a mudpack; for two days she looked nice, then the mud fell off.

Now let's fight for three days because I'm bored!

Cunt is a great word, but it is more impressive if you use it on a guy.

I’ve lived in Manchester since my 20s and I’ve only been in three fights –not a bad average.

Sure, you can start now. Fire the janitor.

We grew up in the good old days before kids had these damn computers and actually played outside.