Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 810
When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that's a few steps ahead is the one that's mad.
This is how dumb the real estate agents are in New Jersey. They put their headshots and their advertisements on city benches. You know who sleeps on city benches? Homeless people. Why don’t you just put a picture of a four course meal next to it. “Here’s two things you’ll never own.”
We've written the stories as they've happened in our lives, and they have happened in our lives, and people seem to identify with them. And as scary as that sounds, people seem themselves in us.
New book on Malcolm X says we don’t know how he was killed. Want to bring in the FBI. Maybe they were in already.
I have a theory that the Internet makes people stupider - and also FOX News makes people stupider.
A car hit a Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?" The man says, "I make a good living."
I think you should be a child for as long as you can. I have been successful for 74 years being able to do that. Don't rush into adulthood, it isn't all that much fun.
It's great to tell people you have your own show, but that's where the fun stops.
We had problems like all families but we had a lot of love. I was extremely loved. We always felt we had each other.
The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.
I'm most proud of the longevity of my marriage, my kids, and my grandchildren. If you don't have that, you really don't have very much.
So I go in and I go into the snack bar. I don't think it should be legal to call anything that costs $18.50 a snack. Yeah, those are nice Twizzlers, do you have financial aid?
We mostly get together and have fun. It's a great place to play music with a small group of nice people.