Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 810
Why do some people think aquariums are cruel? The fish love it there! They told me. The said, “Truthfully Rich, it's fucking awesome. There's no predators. No nets, no pollution. It's like the ocean without all the bullshit.”
I don't write jokes first. I write down topics. I think of what I want to talk about, and then I write the jokes - they don't write me... And even if you don't think it's funny, you won't think it's boring. You might disagree, but you'll listen. And maybe even laugh as you disagree.
She said that after we had intercourse, I gave her an anti-climax.
I haven't been that uncomfortable since I was 13 and my Rabbi tickled my lower back with his beard.
We called her Mother Earth. Because she gave birth to us, and then we sucked her dry.
My first car was a 1977 Oldsmobile Delta 88. Ugly car. More ugly on this car than a Rolling Stones group photo.
The royal baby has a name now: George Alexander Louis. George is not the king yet. So for now, we just address him as "Boy George."
Give a man a fish, and he'll eat for a day. Give a man AIDS, and you don't have to give him any fish.
You better believe that they wanna make all their fucking friends jealous, okay? And the greatest thing that could ever happen is if one of their friends is already married and if you go a couple of carats bigger and they can fucking pull that out. That's like their biggest dick competition is whoever has the shiniest fucking rock. You know what I mean? It really is fucking stupid.
If you're a guy, you have absolutely no idea what's going on at any time in the relationship, ever. Here's what you know: you know when you're getting laid, and you know when it's all over. Those are the only two things you're aware of.
Once you're married, kiss all your dreams good-bye and "make the bitch happy." Good relationship is simply eating and fucking.
I will be looking at an Armani shirt or a high end designer and flip the tag and I see made in India, I'm stuck with a real dilemma. I'm like 'Shit, do i buy this shirt or do I call my uncle. I wonder if he knows where this factory is.'
I would still have old ladies come up to me after the show and pat me on the cheek after I had said all this vulgar stuff. They would be like, 'Oh you're a silly boy - we know you're just playing.'