Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 810
So my mum bought a jacuzzi, and I was in there along with my father and my sister, when my mother decided it would be the ideal moment to say – ‘Guess what everyone in this jacuzzi has in common? You’ve all sucked on my tits.’
If acting was hard for me, I wouldn`t do it, it is something that I like to do.
You better believe that they wanna make all their fucking friends jealous, okay? And the greatest thing that could ever happen is if one of their friends is already married and if you go a couple of carats bigger and they can fucking pull that out. That's like their biggest dick competition is whoever has the shiniest fucking rock. You know what I mean? It really is fucking stupid.
After a one night stand, make sure you wait two days before you call and tell her she has AIDS.
There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
I've had a pilot every single year that didn't sell for the past four years, that'll smack you in the back of the head. I had a really good one last year; I wouldn't have done the play in New York if I had gotten that one.
What I have now are good problems of trying to decide and what I really want to do is good work next. My phone's ringing a lot more and I've got nine lines so when it doesn't ring, it's very frustrating.
I believe in eight of the ten commandments; and I believe in going to church every Sunday unless there's a game on.
There's a woman I see who's not my therapist, but she's like an old friend who's a therapist in profession. She lets me talk to her like a therapist once in a while, and she does a great thing. Whenever I have a big dilemma, like this is a big problem in my life, she always says, 'Wow, you're going to have to figure that out.'
Burt Reynolds, great sex symbol of the movies, who said, "I owe it all to one great part." Never got a dinner!
Dean Martin’s pancreas, who overheard his liver singing "I got a right to sing the blues." Never got a dinner!