Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 825

I'm happy if everybody else is. I'm a big brother, the oldest. If you're happy and I'm not, I'm cool with that. If I'm happy and you're not, I'm sad.

If I was a freak of nature... Hell yeah I wanna do freak shows! I don't wanna be applying for jobs at the mall.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.

We called her Mother Earth. Because she gave birth to us, and then we sucked her dry.

So I said, "Where do you want to go for your anniversary?" She said: "I want to go somewhere I've never been before." I said, "Try the kitchen."

The grocery store near my house closes at 8:25.<br /> -- Todd Barry, on the hours of the grocery store near his house

I was in my friends garage, and he had; a kite, a yo-yo, and a boomerang. I was like "Dude, you have abandonment issues".

My doctor grabbed me by the wallet and said "Cough!"

Struggling is hard because you never know what's at the end of the tunnel.

There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.

I have no sympathy for the people who went to Charlie Sheen’s show and were disappointed. "That didn’t seem very organized! That guy’s all over the map!"

Yet there are some people - Steve Allen would dissect comedy forever; he's a really funny guy, but he would love talking about comedy. I'm doing it right now and you all seem bored.

I'm a body builder, but I don't use weights. I use snacks. It's kind of a different building process.

If you were to send a werewolf to the moon, would he be a werewolf permanently?

Every year law schools churn out thousands of lawyers. We don’t need any more lawyers. We need more lawyers like we need more talk-show hosts.