Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 825
According to New York publishers, Bill Clinton will get more money for his book than Hillary Clinton got for hers. Well, duh. At least his book has some sex in it.
Have you ever done a black guy? Do it. It’s worth the screwed-up credit. I’m telling you. You may never buy a new car again but every night you get a SUV right in the hoo ha.
Some people say kissing is more intimate than sex... I guess, if you’re kissing someone’s butt hole.
If you’re dating someone that says they’ve “got their priorities in order” that’s code for, “I’m spiraling out of control.”
The right-wing papers in Britain, they loved it because they could sell all the newspapers. "You frenchy, froggy, froggy, frenchy. Our lovely beefy. You frenchy, froggy, frenchy". This was a Times editorial piece.
It is illegal to yell "fire" in a crowded theater. If there is a fire, please yell something else instead, like "Flames!" or "Smoke maker!" or "Bad hot!"
Tourists - have some fun with New York's hard-boiled cabbies. When you get to your destination, say to your driver, "Pay? I was hitch-hiking."
Arnold Schwarzenegger met with President Bush. It's amazing if you think about it. It was the Terminator and the One-Term-inator.
Does anybody believe your health is more important than money? I don’t see too many beautiful women going, “Gee, should I blow Bob in the Porsche or Dave with low cholestol?”
After you take off your coats, go to sleep... Then in the morning I'll take you all home.
Well, you know when you're rocking in a rocking chair, and you go so far that you almost fall over backwards, but at the last instant you catch yourself? That's how I feel all the time.