Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 825
To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
She said that after we had intercourse, I gave her an anti-climax.
I just went home to Illinois, and I asked my family, ‘Are you guys planning on talking in those accents the whole time I’m home?’ And my mother said, ‘You used to talk like that, too, Tasha.’ And I said, ‘Yes, but you see, I’ve reinvented myself. Do you have any idea who I think I am?’
Old McDonald, who said on his honeymoon, "Ee-eye-ee-eye-oooohhh!!!" Never got a dinner!
Your main contribution is spray painting your nickname on other people’s things. And my cousin, who’s a ‘gangster’, he’s like, ‘No, Tash, you don’t understand; you throw a fat piece up there, that piece is yours.’ I’m like, ‘No one thinks you own Costco.’
Moses, who said to the children of Israel, "Wear your galoshes; I never did this trick before." Never got a dinner!
Driving down the street at 150 miles per hour with a friend of mine on cruise control. Both of us in the back seat. The police pulled us over. They don't know who to arrest, nobody's driving. So, they arrested us both. I'm on the witness stand. You know the rest.
The royal baby has a name now: George Alexander Louis. George is not the king yet. So for now, we just address him as "Boy George."
"I am not just another notch on your belt?" she asked him. "Of course not." he said as he put a mark on the chalkboard.
The grocery store near my house closes at 8:25.<br /> -- Todd Barry, on the hours of the grocery store near his house
I was in my friends garage, and he had; a kite, a yo-yo, and a boomerang. I was like "Dude, you have abandonment issues".
I think of people as members of an audience. But an audience acts independently of every individual. It’s an organism on its own. I focus on that living hydra in the dark.