Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 83
How you gonna have racism in a country that don’t belong to nobody… Ain’t nobody belong here. You got people going “Go home!” You go home too. You ain’t from here. Go home.
I used to love going fishing. I think it was really about the clothes. Nothing says real man like a vest with 38 pockets and a mesh hat with hooks in it.
Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die. And when I'm swimming, sometimes I'm not sure which one it is.
I don't get no respect. I joined Gambler's Anonymous. They gave me two to one I don't make it.
Pope Pius XII was meant to go and castigate Hitler for being a "Genocidal Fuckhead … with bunny rabbit ears". But he didn't, he wimped out, and for that history has renamed that Pope as "Pope Gutless Bastard I."
Between the Pope and air conditioning, I'd choose air conditioning.
There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
2 minutes in heaven is better than 1 minute in heaven.
Democracy is the worst kind, I’m sorry but it is. “We get to pick our leaders.” Well, what if I don’t want a leader? Where does that vote go? I do good on my own, I don’t want to be led. Is that freedom?
The bible, that’s god book, as far as I know the devil hasn’t brought out a book yet, haven’t heard his side of the argument. God’s just writing shit about him, and the devil’s being the bigger man and saying I’m not even going to comment, talking shit about me like that.
I saw this one - it was for cat food - at the end of it, it says, 'All natural food for your cat.' All natural food? But cat food's made out of horse meat. Yeah, that's the way it works in nature: the cat, right above the horse in the food chain.
My wife is a vegetarian. When my wife is with me, I eat vegetarian. When she's not, I eat meat. I'm just being honest.
I'll tell you why nobody knows, 'cause, people forget a very important thing. The Chinese are a lot smarter than us... So, it's hard to-to criticize. But some things, we excel at that they don't, you know, it's - I mean, I have never seen a Chinese guy in a porno.