Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 83

Talent is luck. The important thing in life is courage.

Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty. I see a glass that's twice as big as it needs to be.

Abandoned babies are unfortunate unwanted results of a once urgent desire to have an orgasm.

I met this woman and I really liked her... As soon as I met her all I could think of, I was wondering If there was an opposite of a restraining order... Her eyes were a bit to close together like the headlights on a Jeep, I called her AC... Almost Cyclops...

When somebody gives you directions, don't you get so anal about their directions, they give you them and the entire time driving your like cutting down their directions, right?

I was a physical education major with a child psychology minor at Temple, which means if you ask me a question about a child's behavior, I will advise you to tell the child to take a lap.

Animals have two vital functions in today's society: to be delicious and to fit well.

It's really not that hard. If I do a Tonight Show, it's six or seven minutes. If I do a concert, it's 90 minutes. If I do an interview, that's 15 minutes. So by the end of the day I've done three hours worth of work.

I wish they would just call the news: What's Wrong. 'Hi, it's six o'clock, here's What's Wrong. Now for the local news, here's the worst shit that happened the closest to you.'

My dad was old school Jewish. Not do your taxes Jewish - steal your car Jewish.

I'll tell you why nobody knows, 'cause, people forget a very important thing. The Chinese are a lot smarter than us... So, it's hard to-to criticize. But some things, we excel at that they don't, you know, it's - I mean, I have never seen a Chinese guy in a porno.

Most people past college age are not atheists. It's too hard to be in society, for one thing. Because you don't get any days off. And if you're an agnostic you don't know whether you get them off or not.

If God doesn't destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and Gomorrah an apology.

My husband, Fang, is so dumb I once said, "There’s a dead bird." He looked up.

I am a player in life, not an observer. I look at herpes the way you look at a scraped knee.