Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 83
I was eating some pizza and I burnt the roof of my mouth. Then I thought, “wait a minute, this is the ceiling of my mouth.”
We had a teacher, named Mr. Brown, and he was writing something on the board once - he was writing something on the board, and he farted. And you would have thought kids had seen the face of God. Kids weren't even laughing; they were just sitting there screaming, just screaming. Kids had to get carted out; kids were screaming. Kids had to get carted out, and they were going to the nurses' office. Kids are crying in the hallway. 'Oh, this is our 9/11.' And it was. It was their 9/11 'cause they never thought anything like that could ever happen.
I took my AlDS test. You start reflecting... You start thinking about every nasty, skank-ass... It's like the movie Scrooge, and the Ghost of Pussy Past comes.
Celebrities are just normal, screwed up people like everyone else who just don't know who you are. You're just as important.
I'm wearing a new perfume that I should recommend to the women in the audience; it's called 'Tester.'
Haven’t you noticed that every time the government fucks up McDonald’s has a new sandwich?
I don't get no respect. I joined Gambler's Anonymous. They gave me two to one I don't make it.
Between the Pope and air conditioning, I'd choose air conditioning.
Madonna is so hairy - when she lifted her arm, I thought it was Tina Turner in her armpit.
The very first law in advertising is to avoid the concrete promise and cultivate the delightfully vague.
I was a physical education major with a child psychology minor at Temple, which means if you ask me a question about a child's behavior, I will advise you to tell the child to take a lap.
The Jews celebrate Passover by eating unpalatable food to remind them what will happen to their people if they ever leave New York City. The traditional meal often includes gefilte fish. For those of you who don't know what gefilte fish is, it strongly resembles a ball of tuna fish that has been passed nasally. It's not good. During Passover, the angel of death passed over the Jews - an event that, up until the late 1950s, was re-enacted every year by Ivy League colleges and suburban country clubs.
Most people past college age are not atheists. It's too hard to be in society, for one thing. Because you don't get any days off. And if you're an agnostic you don't know whether you get them off or not.
If you join a gym, you gotta go a lot for it to work. I don't know how these gay guys do it. It's unbelievable. Every gay guy I know is built like a bodybuilder. When did that start happening? That's totally gonna change the stereotype, right? It's gonna be like, 'Do you think that guy's gay? Is he gay?' 'Oh yeah. He benches, like, 450 pounds.'