Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 83

When somebody gives you directions, don't you get so anal about their directions, they give you them and the entire time driving your like cutting down their directions, right?

Breaking is tough, turns are tough, but telling your parents you’re gay is the hardest part of rollerblading.

You feel like such a dirty whore buying plan b. It is so embarrassing because it’s over the counter but you have to ask you pharmacist, and they know what you want but they make you ask. They’re lookin’ at me, I’m like, you see where my eyeliner is just give it to me.

Fred was a funny kid, and I got a lot of humor from him. For a while, we were in a Catholic school up in Milwaukee, and Fred used to get laughs pulling an electric iron around the floor, like dragging a dog on a leash. Every day he had a new thing going with the iron. Fred was a great ball player too. He tried out with the Chicago White Sox, but that was years before Jackie Robinson made the break, and he was too early.

I was once dancing with a woman who told me she had a yeast infection so I told her to bake me some bread.

Imagine my surprise when it turned out the main thing that I was qualified for was to get another degree and teach Political Science to other people, who would, in turn, teach it to other people! This wasn't higher education, this was Amway with a football team!

What do you do when you get caught masturbating? Well, here's a little tip. First, look surprised. And don't worry, you will be surprised. And then say this: "Quick get some help! My hand and my penis are fighting!"

Sure, the lion is king of the jungle but airdrop him into Antarctica, and he's just a penguin's bitch.

If God doesn't destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and Gomorrah an apology.

See, the thing of it is, there's a lot of ugly people out there walking around but they don't know they're ugly because nobody actually tells them.

Music is a great energizer. It's a language everybody knows.

I want to be a bloated alcoholic. That's my goal - it is, I'm serious, because there is no other disease that is more fun than alcoholism. I know it has its downside, but I'll tell you, there's no other party disease like alcohol.

Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?

I hate nickels; they're quarter impersonators.

My cousin Louie, we walk into a bar, and he says, "Dom, I think that waitress knows me." "What do you think she knows, Louie? The fact that your belly came in four steps ahead of you?"