Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 82

Life is too short to not have an orgasm every day.

Weed is from tha earth. God put this here for me and you. Take advantage man, take advantage!

I do think certain kinds of music can make you violent. Like, when I listen to Nickelback, it makes me want to kill Nickelback.

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.

Celebrities are just normal, screwed up people like everyone else who just don't know who you are. You're just as important.

Soup is just a way of screwing you out of a meal.

I'm going to tell you right now, please, when you use the Windex bottle, never put that shit halfway. Always make sure it's lined up. There's no joke here. Don't do that. Bad things happen to good people. I know somebody here is gonna be like 'Hold on, I gotta try this shit. Hold on one second. What happens if you don't line it up? I just wanna see...' What if when you did that a fucking ghost came out of it? 'Ha ha ha, ah ha ha! He told you not to! I am Windextor. I will clean your soul!'.

I wouldn't give your troubles to a monkey on a rock.

You believe the world's 12 thousand years old? "That's right." Okay I got one word to ask you, a one word question, ready? "Uh huh." Dinosaurs. You know the world's 12 thousand years old and dinosaurs existed, they existed in that time, you'd think it would have been mentioned in the fucking Bible at some point.

I'm wearing a new perfume that I should recommend to the women in the audience; it's called 'Tester.'

We had a teacher, named Mr. Brown, and he was writing something on the board once - he was writing something on the board, and he farted. And you would have thought kids had seen the face of God. Kids weren't even laughing; they were just sitting there screaming, just screaming. Kids had to get carted out; kids were screaming. Kids had to get carted out, and they were going to the nurses' office. Kids are crying in the hallway. 'Oh, this is our 9/11.' And it was. It was their 9/11 'cause they never thought anything like that could ever happen.

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

A Polish terrorist was sent to blow up a car. He burned his mouth on the exhaust pipe!

If you join a gym, you gotta go a lot for it to work. I don't know how these gay guys do it. It's unbelievable. Every gay guy I know is built like a bodybuilder. When did that start happening? That's totally gonna change the stereotype, right? It's gonna be like, 'Do you think that guy's gay? Is he gay?' 'Oh yeah. He benches, like, 450 pounds.'

We can all sleep easy at night knowing that somewhere at any given time, the Foo Fighters are out there fighting Foo.