Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 82
I always look for a woman who has a tattoo. I see a woman with a tattoo, and I'm thinking, OK, here's a gal who's capable of making a decision she'll regret in the future.
Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
The new millennium sucks! What a disappointment! What's the difference between the old millennium and the new millennium? Nothing! It's the same load of crap with a '2' in the front. When I was a kid, I am old enough so that when I was a kid, I looked forward to the new millennium. When I was young, I said, 'I'm gonna live through a change! A massive change! Things are gonna be different! Things are gonna be great!' Screwed again! No flying cars! No flying cars!
Pot is to narcotics what herpes is to social diseases; it doesn't count cos it's not really dangerous and it's too easy to get.
This is why the terrorists hate us. And it’s not the glitter and it’s not the pomp and circumstance. We’ve got black and white, we’ve got Hispanic and Asian, we got gay, straight, and Guttenberg, all working together for one common goal: to get the mirror ball. And the mirror ball doesn’t care what color you are, and it doesn’t care how rich your parents are, and it doesn’t care what God you pray to. It’s an even wooden floor, and may the best man or woman win. And I say God bless Dancing with the Stars, and God bless the USA.
I'm at the age where I want two girls. In case I fall asleep they will have someone to talk to.
Don’t idolize anyone if you can. You know, be inspired by people, certainly, but don’t idolize people… Because they’ll let you down.
I think it's a really selfish thing, especially if your guy isn't making a lot of money, to make him go out and blow money on a shiny fucking rock that was dug out of the ground by a fucking 8 year old. Ya know? Just because you're not mature enough as an adult to walk up to all your other girlfriends with your engagement ring and letting it be something other than a diamond or at the very least letting it be a diamond that your future husband can afford.
Reality TV is the perfect antidote to people who don't have enough self-centered douchebags in their life.
When I hear a person talking about political solutions, I know I am not listening to a serious person.
Playing golf is like going to a strip joint. After 18 holes you’re tired and most of your balls are missing.
Ellen Page says that the sexism in Hollywood is constant. You might remember her from her movie Juno, where she played a mouthy chick with no tits.
Life is like sex, baby - the more you put in, the more you get out. End of story.