Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 84
Our job is improving the quality of life not just delaying death.
My mom is one of those really angry moms who gets mad at absolutely everything. Once when I was a little kid, I accidentally knocked a Flintstones glass off the kitchen table. She said, ‘Well, dammit, we can’t have nice things.’
A Polish terrorist was sent to blow up a car. He burned his mouth on the exhaust pipe!
I do think certain kinds of music can make you violent. Like, when I listen to Nickelback, it makes me want to kill Nickelback.
Long ago you may have given up control of your brain and set it on autopilot either because it just felt like too much work. And it is work! But for me, this work was well worth it for the prospect of not waking up sad every day.
If God doesn't destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and Gomorrah an apology.
I watch Japanese animation, right? My mom's like, 'Dat Phan, you cannot watch cartoon - it's too violent!' This is the same woman that goes, like, 'Dat Phan, if you don't take out the trash now, I will kill you!'
Baseball is a nineteenth-century pastoral game. Football is a twentieth-century technological struggle.
My dad was old school Jewish. Not do your taxes Jewish - steal your car Jewish.
Animals have two vital functions in today's society: to be delicious and to fit well.
When somebody gives you directions, don't you get so anal about their directions, they give you them and the entire time driving your like cutting down their directions, right?