Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 84

You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.

Showbiz is great if you're successful.

The Jews celebrate Passover by eating unpalatable food to remind them what will happen to their people if they ever leave New York City. The traditional meal often includes gefilte fish. For those of you who don't know what gefilte fish is, it strongly resembles a ball of tuna fish that has been passed nasally. It's not good. During Passover, the angel of death passed over the Jews - an event that, up until the late 1950s, was re-enacted every year by Ivy League colleges and suburban country clubs.

The key to a good life: excess in moderation. They’ll tell you moderation is the key to life, but that’s bullshit.

Why do they call 'em 'buildings' when they're done building 'em? They ought to be called 'builts.' Or, 'crumblings.' 'I live in that crumbling over there.'

Pope Pius XII was meant to go and castigate Hitler for being a "Genocidal Fuckhead … with bunny rabbit ears". But he didn't, he wimped out, and for that history has renamed that Pope as "Pope Gutless Bastard I."

I watch Japanese animation, right? My mom's like, 'Dat Phan, you cannot watch cartoon - it's too violent!' This is the same woman that goes, like, 'Dat Phan, if you don't take out the trash now, I will kill you!'

Long ago you may have given up control of your brain and set it on autopilot either because it just felt like too much work. And it is work! But for me, this work was well worth it for the prospect of not waking up sad every day.

Sometimes a little brain damage can help.

I think Pringles' initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was supposed to show up, a big truckload of potatoes arrived. But Pringles was a laid-back company. They said "Fuck it. Cut 'em up! We can play tennis later."

Peanut allergies. When did the peanut become the most toxic substance known to man? Have you tried going anywhere near a school with peanut butter? Holy shit! They look at you like you slathered it on your cock and went skipping across the playground!

Democracy is the worst kind, I’m sorry but it is. “We get to pick our leaders.” Well, what if I don’t want a leader? Where does that vote go? I do good on my own, I don’t want to be led. Is that freedom?

How you gonna have racism in a country that don’t belong to nobody… Ain’t nobody belong here. You got people going “Go home!” You go home too. You ain’t from here. Go home.

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

If you can't join them, beat them.