Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 831

Flash Gordon, who said, "No, that’s not how I got my name." Never got a dinner!

There's a fine line between being a sicko and an adventurous spirit.

"I am not just another notch on your belt?" she asked him. "Of course not." he said as he put a mark on the chalkboard.

I was in the scouts and we had to learn survival things. Like snakebite, what do you do? Suck out the poison. But with your right hand, jiggle the man's balls. That's how I was taught.

You would play house, you would fake vacuum. Fake vacuum with your friends, that was awesome. It's great because when I see my wife vacuum now I'm like, 'She is living her childhood dream.'

Everyone makes mistakes. That's why pencils have abortions.

I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.

How do you write zero in Roman Numerals?

I’m not trying to catch the right formula and do that every night. That’s not fun for me. It’s all about spontaneity.

People are trying so hard to become famous. Johnny Marbles, he tried to throw a pie in Rupert Murdoch’s face. What do I gotta do, give Sumner Redstone a wedgie?

I get some acting jobs. I like it other than the constant slipping in and out of character.

I love how New York is so multi-cultural. I wish I was ethnic. “Cause if you’re Hispanic and you get angry, people are like, “He’s got a Latin temper.” But if you’re a white guy and you get angry, people are like, “That guy’s a jerk.”

I was doing a show a couple of weeks ago and I was talking to a girl in the front row. I asked her her name. She said, “It’s Patacka.”

If I'm having a fancy glass of champagne, I'll always mix it with the champagne of beers. Because I deserve all the champagnes.

Imagine that, a poncho sombrero combo, I'll be off my tits on happiness.