Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 831
I got really lost last year. But I can’t be lonely though. Cause we’re all stuck here. I wanted to make something that says no matter how bad you fuck up, or mistakes you’ve made during the year, your life, your eternity. You’re always allowed to be better. You’re always allowed to grow up. If you want.
I'm just looking for a little mystery in life... like things you can't explain. Like, you go to Mexico, they tell you don't drink the water. You go to any diner here, who brings you the water? It's a mystery.
When you're coming out, you have to deal with the whole world saying 'Oh! You're an abominable snowman'.
St. Patrick's Day is what Christmas would be like if Jesus had been killed by a car bomb.
The reason old man use Viagra is not that they are impotent. It's that old women are so very ugly.
Bush, Kerry and Nader -- those were the the choices. Although Nader -- you know when you take a multiple choice exam, and they tell you to immediately rule out one choice 'cause it's crazy? -- that's Nader. It's like, 'The square root of 342 is a) 32, b) 18, c) chocolate.' Well, I know it's not chocolate -- that's Nader.
It should not be an act of social disobedience to light a cigarette. Unless you're actually a doctor working at an incubator.
George Washington’s brother, Lawrence, was the Uncle of Our Country.
After you take off your coats, go to sleep... Then in the morning I'll take you all home.
People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant.
Hanging out with a baby is like hanging out with a really, really small… really, really hammered person all the time. That’s really all a baby is. Just the smallest drunkest person that you ever seen in your life. I found myself talking to my sister’s baby the same way I do a buddy at the end of a Saturday night. It’s the same conversation. It’s just me standing over him going, “What’s wrong dude? Why you crying?”
A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said, "Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?" I said, "All right, but we won't get much done."