Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 830

Jesus died for our sins. Dare we make his sacrifice meaningless by not committing them?

Every comedian has a moment in his life when he realizes he's a little bit different from everyone else. It's like being the only guy in a movie who sees the ghost. The ghost talks to you and you talk to him. Then you turn to your friend and say, "Hey. Do you see that ghost?" And he says, "What ghost?"

No steam or gas ever drives anything until it is confined. No Niagara is ever turned into light and power until it is tunneled. No life ever grows until it is focused, dedicated, disciplined.

My doctor grabbed me by the wallet and said "Cough!"

Everyone makes mistakes. That's why pencils have abortions.

I've had a pilot every single year that didn't sell for the past four years, that'll smack you in the back of the head. I had a really good one last year; I wouldn't have done the play in New York if I had gotten that one.

Jack the Ripper’s mother, who said to Jack, "How come I never see you with the same girl twice? " Never got a dinner!

I freely admit I'm confused. I'm a confused and troubled individual but at the same time... It's free!

I'm not so much a dragon slayer, more a dragon annoyer - I'm a dragon irritater.

I said, “That’s an unusual name. You don’t hear that everyday.”

I was a hip kid. When I saw Bambi it was the midnight show.

I said, “Who did you think it was?”

Lower your expectations and live your life like it isn't yours.

I was not the popular kid in school.

Whenever you go out [to eat] you gotta get the appetizer. 'Cause the appetizer's just an excuse for an extra meal. You're always like "Lets see, I will start with the 80 buffalo wings...and do you have a low-cal blue cheese? 'Cause I don't wanna fill up too much."