Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 830

Thanks Kate, and don't forget to call that number, there is no such thing as a little crack problem.

I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.

You might be a redneck if you call your boss "Buddy", on a regular basis.

I'm a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect!

I used to get letters saying, 'I didn't know black children and white children were the same.'

The Devil: And finally, Christians. Christians? Ah yes, I'm sorry. I'm afraid the Jews were right.

Why do some people think aquariums are cruel? The fish love it there! They told me. The said, “Truthfully Rich, it's fucking awesome. There's no predators. No nets, no pollution. It's like the ocean without all the bullshit.”

I was born in New York City, but I was raised in New Jersey, part of the great Jewish emigration of 1963.

Oh, I can picture myself rattling along Route 66 on that thing, headphones on, singing along to ZZ Top's 'Sharp Dressed Man' or the opening line from 'Born to be Wild' by Steppenwolf - 'Get your motor running...' The trike brings out that in all of us, which is no bad thing. Forget Viagra, get yourself a trike!

Right now it's only a notion, but I think I can get the money to make it into a concept, and later turn it into an idea.

I wanted to become me, totally me. The more me, the better. I instinctively knew this and I was right.

I've gotten to a place where I am comfortable and I don't battle myself. I'm further ahead than I ever thought I'd be. I've exceeded everyone's expectations. Including, I think, my own.

Iraq now says that it will, after all, destroy its missiles. President Bush said, "Please, I used to pull the same trick. There'd be an intervention, I'd make a big show of pouring out the liquor and then there was a case under the floorboards."

I just recorded another CD for Sub Pop.

Thomas Jefferson once said: 'Of course the people don't want war. But the people can be brought to the bidding of their leader. All you have to do is tell them they're being attacked and denounce the pacifists for somehow a lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same in any country.' I think that was Jefferson. Oh wait. That was Hermann Goering. Shoot.