Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 832

If I'm out to dinner with a group of friends, and somebody offers to pay for the check, I immediately reach for my wallet. Inside is a note that says, "Say thanks!"

I'd like to go out for a cocktail... or seven.

It’s horrible being alone. I threw a surprise party for myself. I parked the car down the street. Tried to fool myself. I set up a piñata up with a blindfold and a baseball bat and ended up my neighbor’s house, beating up their grandmother.

[talking about how the relationship changes after marriage] You know, you'll spend some time together, then you tell her, "You know, you're fun! I like you! You're fun! We have fun together! Let's get married!" So you get married, then after a little while fun starts packin' its shit! And you go, "Where ya' goin', fun?" And she goes, "Oh, nowhere. Just gettin' some stuff together." And then one day, Fun says "Fuck it!" and takes off! And you go, "Come back, Fun!" And she says, "Fuck you married guy!"

You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

I've never not finished a masturbatory session or a pizza. Those are the two things I've never left behind.

I like to go see a ball game. I'll have seven, eight, nine - 10 beers, and the second inning will roll around, and I gotta go.

When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say.

I just celebrated seventeen years without a drug or a drink in my body. Seventeen years sober. I don’t need to get high. I got gambling to fall back on.

Right now we're teaching them that the game is fun. If they learn it's fun, they always go back to it again in clinics and in schools.

This is a fun game: If you have a planner, like, an old planner… just like, in a park, just leave the planner out on the ground. And then someone comes and picks it up, you know, and they open it, and inside, it just says: 1. Drop planner; 2. Wait for person to pick up planner; 3. Get person; 4. If they look around, wait ‘til tonight to get them. Or exactly one year from today.

I always get that cautionary warning right before I get off the phone with an interviewer. It's: 'Good luck with the show. I really like it, and if this goes wrong, you'll be hearing from my attorneys.'

You know those guys that go to the strip club at the daytime? If you're at a strip club, and the sun is out, you got some problems!

A car hit a Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?" The man says, "I make a good living."

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.