Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 832
I’m divorced… I tried to save my marriage. I went to counseling. Spent $5,000 to have two women call me a loser.
I do this real moron thing, and it's called thinking. And apparently I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.
I'm very big in Australia, New Zealand, Britain, Canada and America. It's nice. I have a lovely life, and actually it pays better than the movies. Well, it doesn't pay better than Tom Cruise in the movies. But it pays better than I get. I get bus fare compared to these guys.
You ever play a video game with your girl? They’ll hit one button 87 times because they like the color on the remote. “Ohmigod! Blue! Yea!” And win every game. “I won! Yea! I’m a ninja!” <br /> I get mad. “You’re not a ninja! I’m the only ninja of the house! I do flips. You kick me in the shin 87 times.”
She was moving to Los Angeles, so I thought, ‘Hey, you know? I’ll go with her.’ So when we get out to LA... The relationship, you know, once the geography changed, my God... It was a fucking nightmare!
A car hit a Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?" The man says, "I make a good living."
I'm writing a book. It's called The Soft Spot... and Other Ways to Stop a Crying Baby.
Oprah is rich, Bill Gates is wealthy. If Bill Gates woke up tomorrow with Oprah's money, he'd jump out a fuckin' window and slit his throat on the way down saying, "I can't even put gas in my plane!"
You might think that’s an exaggeration but believe me, if you leave twin two-year-olds alone in your living room, at some point a cow will be airborne.
Know why it takes so many sperm to fetrtilize one egg - cause none of those fuckers will ask for directions.
I'm working on a screenplay about a guy who teaches a retarded kid to read. It's good. But it is so fucking long.
It means a lot in that I always felt invisible, and I was louder in my own head than I was verbally. I was torturing myself, wanting to say things and not knowing how to be. The stand-up was a way out but it never came easy. So to have something that's named after me make it, and that has history tied to Desi and Freddie and now Freddie Jr., it's unbelievable to me because I never really thought anything good would happen to me.
An Israeli man's life was saved when he was given a Palestinian man's heart in a heart transplant operation. The guy is doing fine, but the bad news is, he can't stop throwing rocks at himself.