Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 835
Tourists - have some fun with New York's hard-boiled cabbies. When you get to your destination, say to your driver, "Pay? I was hitch-hiking."
My father worked at the Naval Ordnance Lab, and they had a nine-hole course on the property. You paid a quarter.
The L. A. Times is reporting that Britney Spears' album Blackout will be number one on the Billboard charts. Not to toot my horn, but I predicted this on my show a week ago. No one wanted to believe me - even I didn't want to believe me, but now I know how Nostradamus feels.
I got really lost last year. But I can’t be lonely though. Cause we’re all stuck here. I wanted to make something that says no matter how bad you fuck up, or mistakes you’ve made during the year, your life, your eternity. You’re always allowed to be better. You’re always allowed to grow up. If you want.
The last time I was in Spain I got through six Jeffrey Archer novels. I must remember to take enough toilet paper next time.
St. Patrick's Day is what Christmas would be like if Jesus had been killed by a car bomb.
After you take off your coats, go to sleep... Then in the morning I'll take you all home.
Excuse me, officer, but would you mind bringing the wreckage a little closer this way? My wife can't see.
When my old man wanted sex, my mother would show him a picture of me.
There are really only so many foods and so many ways you can prepare them.
If you're black, you got to look at America a little bit different. You got to look at America like the uncle who paid for you to go to college, but who molested you.