Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 835

[during a bit about dogs]<br /> That's why they're man's best friend. 'Cause guys want buddies that are dumber than they are. So do women, but they've already got men

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

I figured, let me just cut myself off from everybody, take a minute and pull a Flintstone, stop a speeding car by using my bare feet as brakes.

A comedian is simply a different kind of therapist. A comedian is a psychologist and a psychiatrist rolled into one. Except I can't prescribe medicine. You still need a doctorate, which is bullshit. Okay, so I'm not like a psychiatrist. Fine. But I'm still like a psychologist, except I can't diagnose or treat mental illness.

I got recognized today in Dixons, a member of staff came up to me and said ‘hey your that mad bloke off the tele’, I went ‘thats me’, and he went ‘no, your that mad bloke….off the tele!’

I think high self-esteem is overrated. A little low self-esteem is actually quite good. Maybe you're not the best, so you should work a little harder.

I found someones passport on the ground tonight. Where do you sell these things?

I finally got around to reading the dictionary. Turns out the Zebra did it.

I'm glad 'bad ass' doesn't mean 'bad' 'ass.'

That word sassy - it haunts me. I keep getting the sassy thing.

Boy, am I glad to get rid of that fucking Mother Teresa.

The last time I was in Spain I got through six Jeffrey Archer novels. I must remember to take enough toilet paper next time.

You treat a disease, you win, you lose. You treat a person, I'll guarantee you'll win.

When someone close to you dies, move seats.

We came, we saw, we sucked.