Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 835
Then they have the audacity to go shopping and pick out their own gifts. I want to know who the first person was who said this was okay. After spending all that money on a bachelorette weekend, a shower, and often a flight across the country, they expect you to go to Williams Sonoma or Pottery Barn and do research? Then they send you a thank-you note applauding you for such a thoughtful gift. They're the one who picked it out!
If you pray about it don't worry about it. If you're going to worry about it don't pray about it.
So I go to this spa, and it was weird. They had pillows all over the floor, Zamfir music playing, water flowing over rocks, supposed to relax you. Made me have to go pee! Then she starts rubbing my butt! Yeah! All I could think was “Don’t fart!” Yeah, you’ve thought about it, haven’t you! ‘Cause when you’re standing up and you’ve got gas, you can clench it in. When someone’s rubbing your butt cheeks east and west, you’re bound to let one of those icky dog farts squirt out.
I thought I got a girl pregnant once. She called me up. She’s like, “I think I’m pregnant.” I was like, “The number you have reached…”
Some men are heterosexual, and some men are homosexual, and some men don't think about sex at all. They become lawyers.
You know it's time to do the laundry when you dry off with a sneaker.
A lot of these kids I think are more content just to be on Facebook and the computer than they are to actually go out. They just really want to get a picture to post to their buddies, and that's about it.
Ed and I were out last night and I asked him why he drank so much. He said he drank to forget. I asked him, "To forget what?" And he said he couldn't remember.
Right now we're teaching them that the game is fun. If they learn it's fun, they always go back to it again in clinics and in schools.