Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 835
Yeah, well, we're all writers, aren't we? He's a writer that hasn't been published, and I'm a writer who hasn't written anything.
I joined an astrology club and every week we meet and discuss the stars. This week we're discussing Paul Newman.
Apparently, I don’t know if this is true but I hope it is, I’ve heard it from a few reports, when we went up to get our awards apparently Clint Eastwood turned to someone that he was with and went, Who the fuck are they?
I've always loved the flirtatious tango of consonants and vowels, the sturdy dependability of nouns and capricious whimsy of verbs, the strutting pageantry of the adjective and the flitting evanescence of the adverb, all kept safe and orderly by those reliable little policemen, punctuation marks. Wow! Think I got my ass kicked in high school?
If you had a personal trainer, you would probably eat him. I know that in every fat person, there's a skinny person inside, but you could have all the season's contestants of America's Next Top Model in you. I hope I get reincarnated as your feet. That way, you'd never see my face again... Oh, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have insulted you. Because in my country, cows are sacred.
I'm not a great joke writer, which is odd for a comic to say, but I'm not.
TV is easier: it's all planned out for you and the audience is there to see a show and they are all pumped up but when you are in a comedy club, you have to be really funny to win them over.
My father worked at the Naval Ordnance Lab, and they had a nine-hole course on the property. You paid a quarter.
That's what I am; I'm a drip. You still get hydrated, you still get your nutrients, just a little at a damn time.
I have just returned from Boston. It is the only sane thing to do if you find yourself up there.
Last week I got a flu that I caught, 'cause my daughter coughed … into my mouth.
Don Ho can sign autographs 3.4 times faster than Efrem Zimbalist Jr.