Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 834
Parenting is the most important job on the planet next to keeping Gary Busey off the nation's highways.
Life is short. Short, and not about anything except what you can touch and what touches you.
They shouldn’t call anything a boot camp unless you’re going off to war. Standup boot camp has been a fantastic thing, for the people putting it on. They keep you out in the woods and won’t let you come back until you’re funny. Lenny Bruce came up with his Religions Inc. bit on a day hike.
It was so sweet backstage, you should have seen it: The Teamsters were helping Michael Moore into the trunk of his limo.
I would say, as far as heckling, there’s benign and there’s malignant; like tumors man. Sometimes you get really nice hecklers. I’d say percentage-wise it’s only about 10 to 20 percent the whole year.
The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, "Where the hell is my roof?"
They always ask you dumb questions. 'Do you wanna be fat?' 'Oh yes, yes, I do. I wanna sweat for no reason.' Every time I breathe, they like, 'Why you breathing so hard?' 'So I can live.'
I have such disdain for anybody who gets joy out of blowing the stuffing out of a little woodland creature, that I don't really care if any of them gets shot.
Dress simply. If you wear a dinner jacket, don't wear anything else on it... like lunch or dinner.
Grief and tragedy and hatred are only for a time. Goodness, remembrance and love have no end.
Whenever you go out [to eat] you gotta get the appetizer. 'Cause the appetizer's just an excuse for an extra meal. You're always like "Lets see, I will start with the 80 buffalo wings...and do you have a low-cal blue cheese? 'Cause I don't wanna fill up too much."