Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 834
They shouldn’t call anything a boot camp unless you’re going off to war. Standup boot camp has been a fantastic thing, for the people putting it on. They keep you out in the woods and won’t let you come back until you’re funny. Lenny Bruce came up with his Religions Inc. bit on a day hike.
Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog...
I don't have to worry about writing jokes. I just tell stories about things that have happened to me. As long as I'm alive and I'm living and I'm experiencing different things every day, the show will always change.
My brother Darryl, he's the manager and I'm like this is going to be awesome because my bro, manager, is going to hook me up, he was a dick! He thought he was the Burger King, you know what I'm saying? He would put me on drive through every single night. Why do people insist on yelling at the drive through?
It's more important to put pressure in your tires than on yourself.
New York City subways are now getting high speed Internet. How about some high speed subway trains?
I'm in a new club, by the way. And I don't know if you're first timers like I am, but I'm in the 'I Just Dropped My Cell Phone In My Own Piss' Club. Have you done that? Yeah, good times. I'm on the phone and I forget that I'm using shoulder technique. Urinals were taken so I went in to use the regular john. And as I'm standing there, mid-conversation, I'm like 'Are you serious?' and it just started to toboggan right down my powerful chest.
The greatest thing about being a comedian is knowing other comedians. And you get to talk to them. Its the most fun.
I'm not smart enough to write about something that didn't actually happen to me. But I couldn't write a space movie if you put a gun to my head.
I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.
I always have trouble remembering three things: faces, names, and - I can't remember what the third thing is.
Saw a man in Whole Foods yelling at his son, "What are you doing?! You know I don't eat bread!!" Is there such a thing as health food abuse?
I hate it when you really think you're getting something good... and you don't listen to your dudes when you really should.