Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 836
How come there’s no self-effacing rappers? “Had to go to Goodwill to get this jacket/ that’s ‘cause I’m in a low-income tax bracket.”
People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant.
If I'm out to dinner with a group of friends, and somebody offers to pay for the check, I immediately reach for my wallet. Inside is a note that says, "Say thanks!"
How many you boys ever been drunk, went home with a fat girl?. Some of you out there are going, “Shut up! She’s sitting right next to me!”
You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
Most of the shows I want to do I'm not smart enough to figure out how to watch.
I just celebrated seventeen years without a drug or a drink in my body. Seventeen years sober. I don’t need to get high. I got gambling to fall back on.
Cunt is a great word, but it is more impressive if you use it on a guy.
They have a show on MTV that I can't stand, 'Cribs.' You ever watch 'Cribs'? Yeah, that show should be called, 'Wanna Feel Like a Failure?'
I come from a family of musicians. Even the sewing machine is a Singer.
Why in our lifetimes was there a programme called Dogs with Jobs? They used to put it on at 11.30am! I resented a programme called Dogs with Jobs being put on when they knew unemployed people would be watching.