Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 836

Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet."

We had problems like all families but we had a lot of love. I was extremely loved. We always felt we had each other.

Know why it takes so many sperm to fetrtilize one egg - cause none of those fuckers will ask for directions.

I'm happy if everybody else is. I'm a big brother, the oldest. If you're happy and I'm not, I'm cool with that. If I'm happy and you're not, I'm sad.

My wife’s an earth sign. I’m a water sign. Together we make mud.

As anyone who's ever adopted a dog will tell you, there's always the fear that one day the birth parents will come scratching at the door...

If you can remember the sixties, you weren't there.

There's a fine line between being a sicko and an adventurous spirit.

I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.

I was walking around downtown the other day and I saw Angela Lansbury in an antique store… She was $800.

If Harry Potter's so magical, why can’t he cure his own eyesight and get laid. A teenage lad shouldn't need a broomstick to cling onto.

I’m on a show called Wizards of Wavery Place, and I like it, but I’m unable to convince my Tivo that I wouldn’t also like iCarly.

God just seems very man-made to me. There are so many theories, and not everyone can be right. It's human nature to need a religious crutch, and I don't begrudge anyone that. I just don't need one.

There's going to be a Royal wedding! Ironically I don't get a day off for the wedding as I work part time as an Al-Qaeda sniper. If William's marriage is half as happy as his mum and dad's then Kate might as well cut her own brake cables now. William's dad of course had an affair with Camilla and his mum slept with Englishmen, Americans, and an Egyptian before finally being fucked by that Frenchman. Charles broke Diana's heart... Ten years before a steering column mashed what was left of it. Let's not forget that night. We all know where we were when Diana died. I for one was weaving around Paris in a white Fiat. You know we haven't had a royal assassination in ten years. Let's get rid of her, let's replace her with Martine McCutcheon, and so at last I can wank to the twenty pound note again. If the British Royal Family keep marrying outside the aristocracy, it won't be long before they'll hardly have any German blood left in them.

Life is short. Short, and not about anything except what you can touch and what touches you.