Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 836

In Rome, the emperor sat in a special part of the Coliseum called the Caesarian Section.

If somebody wants to shoot up and die in front of you, more power to them. The herd has a way of thinning itself out.

Ultimately, it is in fun. It is supposed to be highly entertaining.

There’s nothing more awkward than going to the first birthday party of a little girl when you told her mom to get rid of her. Because the kid can tell. “Here’s Tickle Me Elmo!” She’s like, “Fuck you!” I stand by my decision.

You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

It's almost as if someone took a saltine cracker, crumbled it and threw it in the air. These casinos were barges, on the water, and they were destroyed.

I've never not finished a masturbatory session or a pizza. Those are the two things I've never left behind.

Good enough to tweet, not to say.

He was so depressed, he tried to commit suicide by inhaling next to an Armenian.

When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say.

So, it's good to be here, wherever I am.

I'm a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect!

We've written the stories as they've happened in our lives, and they have happened in our lives, and people seem to identify with them. And as scary as that sounds, people seem themselves in us.

I was in a cab in New York. The cab had a sign, "Please do not smoke, Christ is our unseen guest." This guy was reaching. I figure, if he could overcome being nailed to a cross, I don't think a Marlboro Light's gonna faze him that much.

A pair of ruby red slippers worn by Judy Garland in The Wizard of Oz have been stolen. The thief is described as being armed and fabulous.