Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 840
I'm a little bit too obsessed with the news. I find the news easier to follow than narrative entertainment programs.
We are now the proud owners of a white boy. Now we have to shop in the caucasian isle and get sunscreen, mayonaise and mild salsa because the other ones really hawt!
On Sundays, I lay low, sulk a lot, and try to get my head together for next week.
Then, there was Cary Grant. He spent three hours a week in hospitals teaching nervous people how to eat jello.
If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again.
I'm a rap comedian the same way Bill Cosby is a jazz comedian, Cosby's laid back. I'm like, bang, bang bang, right into it.
Have you ever noticed that your ugliest friend is the most afraid of getting ruffied? It’s like relax. YOU can take the coaster off your drink. There are at least three of us in line ahead of you.
It's hard on an all-gay softball team because no one knows if they want to be a pitcher or a catcher.
I’ve never laughed a woman into bed, but I’ve laughed one out of bed many times.
I was in the scouts and we had to learn survival things. Like snakebite, what do you do? Suck out the poison. But with your right hand, jiggle the man's balls. That's how I was taught.
My mouth is big enough for me to fit my entire fist in your vagina.
Judah Friedlander, I’m ok with you being the world champion for a few years more. That’s a hook with legs. But I think he should make one more hat, that says ‘there’s a limit to how funny words on a hat can be’. And then move to a chapeau.
As it stands right now, I lead Richard Pryor in heart attacks, two to one. However, Richard still leads me, one to nothing, in burning yourself up.