Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 840

This is the sixth book I've written, which isn't bad for a guy who's only read two.

I’m not trying to catch the right formula and do that every night. That’s not fun for me. It’s all about spontaneity.

I was married by a judge - I should have asked for a jury.

People don't get me. I'm not miserable or depressed, I'm just anxious and occasionally agitated.

Marriage is like a row boat: it fits two, it doesn't work on auto-pilot and it's very difficult to have sex in.

Black culture is a fight. We want to hold on to what we are, but sometimes the things that we are can be totally negative. You have to think: can't we try something new and not be seen as suspect?

I'm not a big method actor. I'm much more superficial.

My dad is one of the funniest people I know. He's the sort of man who can make you laugh just by reading out of a telephone directory...He's a spastic.

The competitions are as much a part of the tradition as the actual dances.

That's one of the reasons why we think the U.S. dollar probably should strengthen going into the Fed meeting toward the end of the month.

A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I had to amputate your arms"

Charelton Heston and a monkey with a gun... Film at 11.

If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

Got an offer to do my next special in 3D. Sounds cool but do you really want me coming into your house?

I think about dying. I've come to realize we all die alone in one way or another.