Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 840
Don Ho can sign autographs 3.4 times faster than Efrem Zimbalist Jr.
I think, in most cases, the difference between depression and disappointment is your level of commitment.
St. Patrick's Day is what Christmas would be like if Jesus had been killed by a car bomb.
I think you should, yeah. You should wash your beard, then shave it off, nail it to a Frisbee and fling it over a rainbow.
You young guys are going, “I’m never going to get married.” That’s what I thought. But how many times can you go home, watch SportsCenter, order a pizza, and jerkoff before that gets boring. I’ll tell you how many times: 11,556.
What do you do if you're in the car and your girlfriend touches your crotch then asks you to remind her "to get kitchen scissors?"
If I'm out to dinner with a group of friends, and somebody offers to pay for the check, I immediately reach for my wallet. Inside is a note that says, "Say thanks!"
In Rome, the emperor sat in a special part of the Coliseum called the Caesarian Section.
If you ever go to Las Vegas, and you will, just go for a few days. I was there recently for seven days, seven days in Vegas. After I blew all my money on gambling and prostitution, I had six days to kill.
On Hulk Hogan: “You’re an old man who dresses like a Hooter’s waitress.”
George W. Bush says he spends sixty to ninety minutes a day working out. He says he works out because it clears his mind. Sometimes just a little too much.
We do it all the time, we legislate taste. We do it with the tax code. Churches and children get a tax break, because it's assumed that we all agree that we want to encourage churches and children. I don't. I don't. That's my opinion. I don't want to encourage either churches or children, and it's a very bad idea to put them together.