Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 840

I think comedy is on an organic upsurge right now because when I started, it was 1978 at The Comedy Store and Letterman had just stopped emceeing his morning show.

Is it okay to go the roof of the tallest building in your town and jerk off into the street?

Sorry about your continent, but it’s time to make money.

I love money. I love everything about it. I bought some pretty good stuff. Got me a $300 pair of socks. Got a fur sink. An electric dog polisher. A gasoline powered turtleneck sweater. And, of course, I bought some dumb stuff, too.

What do you feed them? Losing lottery tickets? You're never going to win the lottery! You have a better chance of getting knocked up by Ryan Seacrest. And you have enough kids! Take your fifty dollars and buy yourself a vagina cork. I hope I get reincarnated as a condom so I never have to see your ugly-ass face again!

That word sassy - it haunts me. I keep getting the sassy thing.

I believe that if you want to wear a thong, you should have to go through an application process.

Nobody takes a picture of something they want to forget.

If you could use the Internet somehow to see how a Fiji sailor is doing, rather than having to read a text version of it somewhere a day later, that would be great.

That's what I am; I'm a drip. You still get hydrated, you still get your nutrients, just a little at a damn time.

If you live far away from a person you no longer want to date just let them know that they are "geographically undesirable."

Why do bad guys in movies always love to whistle really slowly?

I feel grandiose when I feel truly happy.

You like science? You enjoy science? Always use it for good, never for evil. Can you promise me that?

Can't you at least die with a little dignity?