Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 841
Parenting is the most important job on the planet next to keeping Gary Busey off the nation's highways.
I think it's a comedian's job to make everything funny. Nothing is off-limits.
I would say, as far as heckling, there’s benign and there’s malignant; like tumors man. Sometimes you get really nice hecklers. I’d say percentage-wise it’s only about 10 to 20 percent the whole year.
I was getting dressed and a peeping Tom looked in the window, took a look and pulled down the shade.
That's one of the reasons why we think the U.S. dollar probably should strengthen going into the Fed meeting toward the end of the month.
You never see anyone wearing a black turtleneck and leather jacket doing something nice.
Grief and tragedy and hatred are only for a time. Goodness, remembrance and love have no end.
Marriage is just an elaborate game that allows two selfish people to periodically feel that they're not.
A jump lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
Everyone has these two visions when they hold their child for the first time. The first is your child as an adult saying "I want to thank the Nobel Committee for this award." The other is "You want fries with that?"
I used to think it was corny to be in love but actually it's corny to lose an awesome woman! Real talk.
The Universe is very, very big. It also loves a paradox. For example, it has some extremely strict rules. Rule number one: Nothing lasts forever. Not you or your family or your house or your planet or the sun. It is an absolute rule. Therefore when someone says that their love will never die, it means that their love is not real, for everything that is real dies. Rule number two: Everything lasts forever.
Part of being a comedian is that it's your job to look at life and regurgitate it in a funny way, to point out its absurdities.