Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 841

This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number.

We've heard they've had signs up about Cuero for the last three weeks, ... We're excited about playing this game but not to the point where we do not know what we're doing. We just have to go into the game with intensity and remain focused on our goal.

I think a lot of people are afraid of freedom. They want their lives to be controlled, to be put into a box... People like that cradle-to-grave concept because it says you don't have to think too much, you don't have to worry too much, because someone else is looking out for you. But that also means you can't do as much as you want. Why should someone else put a limit on how much fun I can have; how much I can accomplish?

Hecklers need to be dealt with. Then walk away and do your shit.

I hate bumper stickers, you can't sum anything up. All you do is paint yourself in some caricaturist corner.

All marionettes are trying to say with this movie, is that if you don't see it, the sock puppets have won.

A pair of ruby red slippers worn by Judy Garland in The Wizard of Oz have been stolen. The thief is described as being armed and fabulous.

I do this real moron thing, and it's called thinking. And apparently I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

You know those guys that go to the strip club at the daytime? If you're at a strip club, and the sun is out, you got some problems!

It's not what you know, it's what you think you know.

I'm very big in Australia, New Zealand, Britain, Canada and America. It's nice. I have a lovely life, and actually it pays better than the movies. Well, it doesn't pay better than Tom Cruise in the movies. But it pays better than I get. I get bus fare compared to these guys.

You ever play a video game with your girl? They’ll hit one button 87 times because they like the color on the remote. “Ohmigod! Blue! Yea!” And win every game. “I won! Yea! I’m a ninja!” <br /> I get mad. “You’re not a ninja! I’m the only ninja of the house! I do flips. You kick me in the shin 87 times.”

A good motto to live by: "Always try not to get killed."

If you don't drink 56 bottles of water a week, scientists say you should take a garden hose at the end of the week and shove it up your ass.

My great great grandmother was a cunt in the late eighteen hundreds, long before it was popular to be a cunt.