Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 841
I’ve never laughed a woman into bed, but I’ve laughed one out of bed many times.
Something's wrong with my television set. I got C-Span and the Home Shopping Network on the same station. I actually bought a congressman.
Dating a white girl is like dating a black girl if she were really passive-agressive.
There is no way any rational, reasonable person can say that the Bush Administration has been good for America.
You would play house, you would fake vacuum. Fake vacuum with your friends, that was awesome. It's great because when I see my wife vacuum now I'm like, 'She is living her childhood dream.'
Whenever people are going through a struggle in life, they get really cliche. They say stuff like, “I’m taking it one day at a time. Just taking it one day at a time.” You know who else is? Everybody. ‘Cause that’s how time works.
You might be a redneck if people hear your car long before they see it.
I caught my wife in bed with my best friend the other day. I was crushed. They could have waited till I'd got out.
Yet there are some people - Steve Allen would dissect comedy forever; he's a really funny guy, but he would love talking about comedy. I'm doing it right now and you all seem bored.
People are trying so hard to become famous. Johnny Marbles, he tried to throw a pie in Rupert Murdoch’s face. What do I gotta do, give Sumner Redstone a wedgie?
I watched Anderson Cooper 360 for a year before I realized that the second hour was a repeat of the first. I just thought his reporting seemed familiar.
But you get past that and realize you have to let go of what you think you want. There'll be plenty of time for that later. Right now, go and be with that baby. Just play with this beautiful little boy.
They shouldn’t call anything a boot camp unless you’re going off to war. Standup boot camp has been a fantastic thing, for the people putting it on. They keep you out in the woods and won’t let you come back until you’re funny. Lenny Bruce came up with his Religions Inc. bit on a day hike.