Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 839
Arnold Schwarzenegger met with President Bush. It's amazing if you think about it. It was the Terminator and the One-Term-inator.
Does anybody believe your health is more important than money? I don’t see too many beautiful women going, “Gee, should I blow Bob in the Porsche or Dave with low cholestol?”
If you listen to a song and get an image in your head, and then you go home and watch mtv and the image they're showing is the same as the one in your head, kill yourself. You're better off coming back as a lobster.
There are really only so many foods and so many ways you can prepare them.
If I'm out to dinner with a group of friends, and somebody offers to pay for the check, I immediately reach for my wallet. Inside is a note that says, "Say thanks!"
When I fart my ass makes a trumpet sound that heralds the arrival of the smell.
If somebody wants to shoot up and die in front of you, more power to them. The herd has a way of thinning itself out.
It's almost as if someone took a saltine cracker, crumbled it and threw it in the air. These casinos were barges, on the water, and they were destroyed.
I like to go see a ball game. I'll have seven, eight, nine - 10 beers, and the second inning will roll around, and I gotta go.
If you ever go to Las Vegas, and you will, just go for a few days. I was there recently for seven days, seven days in Vegas. After I blew all my money on gambling and prostitution, I had six days to kill.