Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 88
It’s not fucking ADD I’m thinking. I’m thinking about things that are more interesting than you. I’m trying to build the perfect utopian society in my head and you’re talking to me about what? Fucking bowling, I don’t give a shit.
No, I got a better one. If you ever crack open a beer during a eulogy, you might be a redneck.
It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder, and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
Stereotypes wouldn't be so bad if black people were nicer, in general.
Then a homeless man with a dog approached us and put his hand out. This happens to be something that I have a real problem with: homeless people with pets who approach you for food when they have a perfectly delicious dog standing right there?
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
I like church though. Church was a reminder there was something worse than school.
Ideally, you want to be in a fifty-fifty power-sharing arrangement with the audience – both of you are there for a mutually enjoyable experience.
Gay people invented sports. Think about it. Boxing. Two topless men... in silk shorts... fighting over a belt and a purse.
Here are the values that I stand for: honesty, equality, kindness, compassion, treating people the way you want to be treated and helping those in need. To me, those are traditional values.
I don't get no respect. I joined Gambler's Anonymous. They gave me two to one I don't make it.
When it comes to my daughter, I'm a conservative. But when it comes to your daughter, I'm a liberal!
I think about my girlfriend's abortion whenever I pass by a school. Or the playground where she had the abortion.