Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 88
A sense of humor is rare. It isn't telling a joke about how there are three ways to get to heaven. It's being in a restaurant and hearing someone say, "Everyone's got their tale of woe," and then turning around and saying, "Unfortunately, in life, there's more woe than tail."
The best definition of an honest politician is one who… when he is bought, stays bought.
Then I get there and I swear - it's San Jose, CA - there's 2,000 Mexicans. And you know you're half-Mexican when you walk in and you're like, 'Damn. This is a lot of Mexicans. Only half of me is the only white guy here.'
The guy is like Honduran-German. Why would you pretend to be Mexican? I think he had that intention from the beginning that he was going to play Mexican.
I came from a real tough neighborhood. In the library the sign says "shut the fuck up"!
Reality TV is the perfect antidote to people who don't have enough self-centered douchebags in their life.
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
Last time I got a standing ovation was in England when I played with the London Philharmonic. I played the Wieniawski Concerto, and when I finished, the whole audience stood up - and walked out!
Once we used to have to crank up our cars, now you can pop it on from inside your house. Everything has changed except how we get freedom.
The Yugo has come out with a very clever antitheft device. They made their name bigger.
My dad was old school Jewish. Not do your taxes Jewish - steal your car Jewish.
The Russians haven't been to the moon. You know why? Because they're space pussies... You really want to impress us? Bring us back our flag!